how could you do this to me?!??

May 9, 2013 12:52am How could you do this to me?? & you are heidi blunt? You ugly cunt!!
May 9, 2013 1:12am Im not your sister whether I am a boy or a girl!!! Dont ever write about me again, bitch!!
May 9, 2013 1:18am At least I am not inbred and nasty and gross and shit. Forget it. I dont care anymore.


These are texts from Sis. I didn't read them until yesterday morning. The last one included a picture. It looked like a cartoon from the transistor, a weekly paper that lists the happenings in Duluth. I looked up www.transistormag.com and there was the cartoon she texted me. My sister is an artist and does a lot of drawing. She submitted some to the transistor as they are always looking for cartoonists. Her cartoons were ultimately rejected because they were deemed controversial. I don't really know why. They were beautiful and witty and a little macabre. They featured nude women which could have been the problem as a while ago the transistor printed some cartoons of naked people and was criticized for it.

She called me last night crying like she was absolutely broken and alone. She asked, "how could you do this to me? You're heidi blunt? Your cartoons are in the transistor? You've taken everything from me and now you print this about me and everyone will think I'm going to turn into a man? Why do you want to destroy me? Are you a demon? Everyone will see this and think I'm a man! What kind of person would do this to their sister?" I said, "c'mon! you know I cannot draw! I did not draw this! This has nothing to do with you!" She finally admitted that she knew I couldn't draw and then began wailing, "why? why? why? would anyone do something so horrible to their sister? this is disgusting! why make fun of your sister like this in front of everyone?" I said, "i think she is proud of her sibling! No one will think it's you! You're not transgender! You're not turning into a man! You haven't been taking hormones for 6 years! Your name is not Tyler! WAKE THE FUCK UP FOR GOD'S SAKE! Why didn't you stay in the hospital?"

But she doesn't listen, she cannot listen! She is sick! Why the fuck doesn't anyone help her? She's in this immense amount of pain! Her bizarre ranting and insane threats are one thing, I can ignore them because I know that is the voices, that is her disease talking, but the crying and hopelessness - that is my sister! She keeps calling me because she is reaching out to me! She wants me to help her! When I am in trouble or sad she is the first person I call! When she is in trouble or sad I am the first person she calls! I know that she calls me (even when she is threatening violence) because she wants help. I cannot help her. I am not a doctor. I hang up on her when I become angry. Yelling at her won't help. She already feels absolutely lost and alone. SHE IS absolutely lost and alone. No one can reach her. No one can penetrate her delusions. They are expanding. Now they include the transistor and Heidi Blunt.

And I am just so sad. I am so bereft. It seems like she is trying so hard to save herself. She can't because she needs the right medication and therapy for that. A symptom of schizophrenia is anosognosia or a lack of  insight into your condition (the belief that nothing is wrong). She left the hospital in Fargo (and all the other hospitals she's been to in the past few months) because she does not believe she is sick. She cannot advocate for herself. This is why it is important the family be involved in the treatment of their mentally ill family member.

I have a feeling the main reason she did not stay in Fargo is St. Louis County and the ACT team needed her back in their territory so they could get paid for taking care of her. What is their care plan? To move her into a group home for people with drug and alcohol addiction! My sister has a severe and persistent mental illness that has been documented for 17 years! Does she have addiction problems on the books? NO! She is in a delusion that she cannot break out of. She requires long term hospitalization. A group home does not offer therapy, contact with a doctor, or med adjustments. I know because I worked in one for 4 years. Putting Sis in a group home is the same as putting someone with cancer in an old folks home and expecting them to go into remission.

My greatest most crippling fear has always been that Sis would have a relapse. Now she has. My greatest fear has been realized. How could I know it would be worse than I could possibly imagine? The thought never crossed my mind even once that she would become sick and not receive medical treatment! Never in a million years did I think this would happen. I though we would have a difficult few weeks - not months and months of pure hell, torment, sadness, frustration and hopelessness beyond belief.

against medical advice

The hospital in Fargo decided to hold my sister until today. She left "against medical advice." She called Dad when she was at the bus station and said, "maybe I should have stayed there." We wish she would have stayed longer. This hospital seemed to provide better care than she received in the other three hospitals she has been to in the last four months. They adjusted her meds, giving her actual clozaril -not just the generic clozapine, provided a therapist and treated her like a human. They also included us in her care a little. The therapist called us last week and allowed us to tell our story. They wanted to keep her longer but it's her right to leave. I don't know what will happen next. I don't know how she can go on like this. I just feel so bad for her. I feel like she is lost to us forever. I wish there was a way for someone to reach her.

The social worker from the hospital called me early this morning to inform me (as I am the target of her rage) that she was being released. They wanted to give me a heads up that the person who wants to cut off my left hand is on the loose.

We've been doing some research and found out that every state has their own mental health care policies. It's my sister's misfortune to live in Minnesota where they criminalize the mentally ill and make it impossible to receive enough care to recover and prevent disaster. North Dakota provides care based on need. Maybe that's why they were able to keep her for a few extra days.

They dropped her off at the bus station around 9 am. She began texting me a 1 pm: This is the last time you will ever hear from me... You might think you saved me... but I need you to know what I came to akeley for... I had the intent to break your nose and burn your lips so it looked like you had herpes the rest of your ugly life... this is not a threat... Just telling you what is up. You escaped, but if im going to jail next time you won't. Grow up.

She texted me a few more times. This is her last one: No more threats. Goodbye ugly sister. Finally, forever!!

I don't know what that means. Is she going to come get me in my sleep? Is she going to kill herself? Is she going to run away?

she's going to cut off my left hand

I have a lot to write. The police were called on Monday and they picked her up at the hotel she was staying at in PR. They brought her to the local hospital which does not have a behavioral unit. She was transported from there to a hospital in Fargo. We are not allowed to communicate with the staff because it would be violation of her rights. I guess they want to protect her right to be totally insane. Everyone in the mental health system is really keen on protecting the right of people with a severe and persistent mental illness to remain sick. If my sister ever recovers I do not think she will thank them for this.

Of course we did not know where she was as neither the police or the PR hospital would tell us. The ACT team also called wondering where she was. No one would talk to them either. Ha ha that's funny. I guess they know what it feels like to be shut out now. We didn't have to wait long before Sis called Dad. She wouldn't tell him where she was but thanks to caller ID we learned she was in Fargo. On Wednesday they began allowing her a few hours to have her cell phone. Who does she call immediately? Me!!!!! I didn't answer yesterday. I'm tired of this. I can't do this anymore. I can't do it, sister. I don't know how to help you. There is no help. Today she called me at 7:43 pm. I don't know why I answered. She started in right away in this spookily calm voice about how what she did to my possessions is nothing compared to what she is going to do to me. She said, "I'm going to cut off your hand if you lay a finger on R! I want your left hand, you bitch, your left hand! That is the only thing that will satisfy me!" She also went on and on about "your psychic abuse" and how she constantly hears my voice and hears R and I fucking. I'm exhausted by this delusion. I told her to tell the doctors and maybe they could stop me. I told her I had to hang up because I couldn't talk about things that were not real. I can't argue with her delusions! What is the point of that? She called back right away and said, "If you are my loving sister like you claim, you would talk about this with me. Why can't we talk this out?" Um, because it's all in your head, it's all part of your disease, it's not real? I tried to point that out but she just kept on and on until I hung up.

Then I called the hospital she's at but met with the usual (except for more forceful) "we can't talk to you, we cannot even confirm she is here" bullshit. I said, "Well, she just called me from her cell and said she was going to cut off my hand. Don't you monitor her conversations? That might be helpful. I'm a little concerned as you are releasing her tomorrow and she said she's going to cut off my hand!" The nurse said I should call the police. WTF???!!!??? I don't understand when I call Sis's health care providers to give them info about the condition they are treating her for (schizophrenia) they tell me to call the police! I pointed this out saying, "but I'm calling you because she's behaving this way because her illness is out of control. You're treating her for schizophrenia. What would the  police do? How would they help? Are they doctors now, too?" She said she didn't have time to explain that to me and due to your sister's rights the medical professionals blah blah blah. I said, "I just don't get what the police will do? What will they do about my sister's delusion that I am fucking her 5 boyfriends and that we are both pregnant by all of them at the same time and because of that she's going to cut off my hand! What will the police do about that? She doesn't need to be in jail! She needs to be in the hospital!" I mean, if I call the police are they going to go to the hospital she's currently at and bring her to another hospital? Does Mental Health Care in America consist solely of 72 hour holds? Maybe they'll bring her to jail and they will cure her there? Do the police have some new technique to cure schizophrenia? I wish they would let the medical field in on it! Sister started calling me again and I began to say hysterically, "She's calling me right now! She's going to cut off my hand!" The nurse became a little more empathetic and said she would look into it.

So that's where we are. Oh, did I mention that her 72 hour hold ends tomorrow? They're releasing her tomorrow. How should I use my remaining hours with both hands?