Dad spent 3 weeks in ICU. The last two weeks he was on a ventilator and we were waiting for him to wake up and breathe on his own. He is doing better now but is still in the hospital. Needless to say we are all really stressed out. I haven't had time to blog so I will make a list of things I wanted to blog:
Sister is the only one who is dealing with this and not avoiding it! Sister is the only one having a normal reaction to Dad being in the hospital!
I am amazed at how Sister is interacting with everyone at the hospital (including me) and handling this sad and frightening situation!
I have often thought that we have done the wrong thing in keeping Sister and I apart - that made the delusion more real. Seeing me on a daily basis has made her realize that I am not the voice she is hearing and that I have not done or said the things she hallucinates. We're making progress.
Sister spends her nights wandering around in the field listening to music on her phone and then cries hysterically all day - scary!
Sister is giving me murderous looks and hissing, "icky" when she walks by me.
Sister attacked me yesterday and beat me up. I should have called the cops. I just went to my room and locked the door. She needs to go back to Duluth!
That brings us up to date. This morning all I wanted to do was to get her the fuck out of here! Her presence does not benefit Dad and it's making her more psychotic. I would rather not be fistfucked or have my face burned off and we seem to be closer and closer to that happening. Mom's way of dealing with the tension between us is to attempt to keep us away from each other. She took Sister for a ride this morning. When they returned Sister was screaming, "Leave me the fuck alone! I want to die! I've had enough of this shit!" She didn't hurt Mom and wasn't yelling at Mom. She was having a psychotic episode and yelling at the voices. The voices have been too loud to drown out for the past week. This morning I witnessed Sister scream and beg the empty space on her right to "shut up and leave me alone! Please! Please!" Then she would sob and sob heart brokenly before turning to the right and viciously yelling at the emptiness to leave her alone, before desperately begging and then crying again. This went on for 20 minutes. I have not seen her actively talking to the voices for years! I'd forgotten how freaky and shattering that is to watch. It shattered me, I refuse to contemplate what it's doing to her. I was at the point where I didn't care what happened to her as long as I no longer had to deal with her. Now I'm back in the fight. In my mind Sister had become a crude, violent bully instead of someone who is suffering from a disease and worthy of compassion. I can look beyond my own fear and frustration and see hers. There has to be someone who can help her! She doesn't deserve to be tormented like this!
Indulge me for a moment and imagine that you hear the person you love most in the whole world - your husband, daughter, sister, besty - yelling angrily from the next room. You run to find out what is wrong and you see them violently arguing with... no one. But No One is louder than you, and insists it is more real than you, and is always there. You see how this is destroying the person you love most in the whole world. And you are terrified and helpless and miserable but not as terrified and helpless and miserable as they are. What can you do to save them? What should I do to save my sister?
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
i spoke too soon
August 14 Dad was hospitalized in Bemidji. Sister and her friend S drove down that night. Sister and I saw each other for the first time in at least 9 months. We said hi over our father's sickbed. Dad was in ICU awaiting surgery the following day. I mostly tried to avoid looking her in the eye as that is one of NAMI's guidelines for dealing with the mentally ill. My strategy was to avoid her as much as possible. I didn't want to do anything to antagonize her. I was afraid she would attack me or pull out Dad's IVs. I didn't really think she would but it was a concern and something I wanted to prevent.
She doesn't like crowds, hospitals, the heat, or stress. She has to deal with all of those things in this crisis. Dad is her hero and has been her link to the family. He has taken a lot of her abuse but has kept open lines of communication with her. Sister loves Dad dearly and deserves to be with him. Whether she knows it or not she needs Mom and I, too.
Sister and S camped. S is an old hippie and brought her tent. The last night they stayed at the Akeley campground which is close to my house. Sister came over to use the bathroom and plug her phone in. She went outside to smoke. When she came back in she said she'd be back later to get her phone and left. I kept smelling cigarette smoke. I don't think she went back to her campsite. I think she was lurking outside watching me 45 minutes.
Sister did pretty well considering the circumstances. When she started to glare at me I left the room. She became angry a few times and Mom told her to calm down or leave the room. Dad was moved out of ICU August 19. Sister returned to Duluth the next day.
August 21 Dad began to decline and had another operation. He is in ICU again. He has a breathing tube and is heavily sedated. Sister drove back to Bemidji. We spoke a few times on the phone. We had a normal conversation. Well, if it's normal to talk about your Dad having surgery. While she didn't sound quite like my sister and best friend, she didn't sound like a homicidal maniac. She stayed at my house. I locked my bedroom door. She did yell a few times. But this is not a fun or easy situation for anyone.
Oh fuck! Sister just called me and that insane tone is back in her voice and she demanded to know where I was. When I said I was at work she said, "Well, you better cancel it! You better come take care of your Mother! Right now! Cuz I am sick of this shit!" Mom called me a minute later and said that she started acting weird and freaked out. She said she is by her car. Mom doesn't want her to drive when the voices are bad.
She does not know where I work. I was hired by a bank a few months ago and during my first week Sister called the bank and told them they should not have hired me because I'm a drug addict and a thief. They didn't believe it and they didn't fire me. I explained the situation but I always felt like the other employees treated me differently after that. I never felt comfortable working there. Is it worse to be a drug addict and a thief or to have a crazy sister who calls your place of employment and says you are?
The real question is if Sister's car is at my house after work do I walk in the door and say hi or do I call the cops?
She doesn't like crowds, hospitals, the heat, or stress. She has to deal with all of those things in this crisis. Dad is her hero and has been her link to the family. He has taken a lot of her abuse but has kept open lines of communication with her. Sister loves Dad dearly and deserves to be with him. Whether she knows it or not she needs Mom and I, too.
Sister and S camped. S is an old hippie and brought her tent. The last night they stayed at the Akeley campground which is close to my house. Sister came over to use the bathroom and plug her phone in. She went outside to smoke. When she came back in she said she'd be back later to get her phone and left. I kept smelling cigarette smoke. I don't think she went back to her campsite. I think she was lurking outside watching me 45 minutes.
Sister did pretty well considering the circumstances. When she started to glare at me I left the room. She became angry a few times and Mom told her to calm down or leave the room. Dad was moved out of ICU August 19. Sister returned to Duluth the next day.
August 21 Dad began to decline and had another operation. He is in ICU again. He has a breathing tube and is heavily sedated. Sister drove back to Bemidji. We spoke a few times on the phone. We had a normal conversation. Well, if it's normal to talk about your Dad having surgery. While she didn't sound quite like my sister and best friend, she didn't sound like a homicidal maniac. She stayed at my house. I locked my bedroom door. She did yell a few times. But this is not a fun or easy situation for anyone.
Oh fuck! Sister just called me and that insane tone is back in her voice and she demanded to know where I was. When I said I was at work she said, "Well, you better cancel it! You better come take care of your Mother! Right now! Cuz I am sick of this shit!" Mom called me a minute later and said that she started acting weird and freaked out. She said she is by her car. Mom doesn't want her to drive when the voices are bad.
She does not know where I work. I was hired by a bank a few months ago and during my first week Sister called the bank and told them they should not have hired me because I'm a drug addict and a thief. They didn't believe it and they didn't fire me. I explained the situation but I always felt like the other employees treated me differently after that. I never felt comfortable working there. Is it worse to be a drug addict and a thief or to have a crazy sister who calls your place of employment and says you are?
The real question is if Sister's car is at my house after work do I walk in the door and say hi or do I call the cops?
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
commitment
I'm disheartened by the way Sister's illness has progressed since her return from CA. Things have only gotten worse. On Monday, July 22 Sister's best friend from childhood and high school called to inform us that Sister had been calling her repeatedly since Friday. Sister would whisper into the phone "I'm going to cut you" and "you deserve to die." A was calm but has two small children and was understandably frightened. She had tolerated the phone calls as long as possible. Years ago Sister had made threatening phone calls to A. A knows that Sister has schizophrenia. She doesn't want her to be punished, she wants the phone calls to stop.
Mom called the ACT team. They called A and instructed her to contact the police. She did and the police picked her up and took her to Miller Dwan.
In the meantime Sister called me and told me that she had been threatening A and since I had not stopped abusing her or fucking Ryan she was going to call my childhood best friend's mother and torment her! I told her that was a great idea and she should definitely do that because then she would go to jail or to the hospital forever! Ok, this is admittedly not my best moment. But I am tired of this! I have always proclaimed for everyone to hear that Sister is the best person I know. That's not true anymore. Now she is an angry, violent, unreasonable, delusional, insane person. We've done all we can for her.
When Mom called the ACT team she broke down and cried. She asked why Sister was only prescribed 100 mg of Clozaril when the recommended dose is 300-450 mg. She is taking 1/3 of the proper dose! Before she went to CA she was taking 200 mg which was not enough. Patti had the psychiatric nurse listen in and talk via speakerphone. She explained that she told Sister to increase her dosage and sister always says she will but she does not. Dr. Glick no longer deals with Sister and has passed her on to the psychiatric nurse. Seems cruel for (both patient and professional) to give someone fresh out of college and doing an internship a difficult case! Then Mom started screaming, "well, put her in the hospital then! Or shoot her! Just kill her! Please just have the police shoot her because she can kill us but I can't live with it if she hurts A or someone else! Just put us all out of our misery and shoot her!"
Sister stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks. During this period she called Mom repeatedly and begged her for help. She said A was falsely accusing her. She admitted to calling A but claimed while she did whisper she didn't say anything violent or threatening. During these calls she seemed like her old self. She was extremely distressed and hurt to be accused of terrorizing her oldest friend. This confused Mom. She found herself believing Sister. She began to wonder if A could be making everything up. I tried to explain that this was not new behavior for Sister, it was new to us because we had never been on the receiving end. This is the way she acts when she is in the hospital toward the staff. This is why she is released after 72 hours. I'm sure she told the staff during her previous hospital stays all kinds of terrible things about my parents and I so they would believe she was the victim.
Are you wondering if schizophrenics can turn on and off the crazy at will? The answer is yes - sometimes. They're not stupid. Self-preservation is a key motive in everyone. Sister doesn't want to be in the hospital. Patti told her that she was going to be civilly committed. She realized she had finally gone too far and there were going to be repercussions for her actions.
She went to court on August 2 and was civilly committed. What is a civil commitment? We don't know. Does is it involve therapy or some kind of health care? Not yet. It was a way for the ACT Team to relinquish their responsibility for her. They are no longer her mental health care providers. One thing we do know about a civil commitment is that it will show up on her public record and on background checks and could affect her ability to find a job. We wanted her to be committed to a hospital! We want a hospital and the healthcare system to be committed to her!
Mom called the ACT team. They called A and instructed her to contact the police. She did and the police picked her up and took her to Miller Dwan.
In the meantime Sister called me and told me that she had been threatening A and since I had not stopped abusing her or fucking Ryan she was going to call my childhood best friend's mother and torment her! I told her that was a great idea and she should definitely do that because then she would go to jail or to the hospital forever! Ok, this is admittedly not my best moment. But I am tired of this! I have always proclaimed for everyone to hear that Sister is the best person I know. That's not true anymore. Now she is an angry, violent, unreasonable, delusional, insane person. We've done all we can for her.
When Mom called the ACT team she broke down and cried. She asked why Sister was only prescribed 100 mg of Clozaril when the recommended dose is 300-450 mg. She is taking 1/3 of the proper dose! Before she went to CA she was taking 200 mg which was not enough. Patti had the psychiatric nurse listen in and talk via speakerphone. She explained that she told Sister to increase her dosage and sister always says she will but she does not. Dr. Glick no longer deals with Sister and has passed her on to the psychiatric nurse. Seems cruel for (both patient and professional) to give someone fresh out of college and doing an internship a difficult case! Then Mom started screaming, "well, put her in the hospital then! Or shoot her! Just kill her! Please just have the police shoot her because she can kill us but I can't live with it if she hurts A or someone else! Just put us all out of our misery and shoot her!"
Sister stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks. During this period she called Mom repeatedly and begged her for help. She said A was falsely accusing her. She admitted to calling A but claimed while she did whisper she didn't say anything violent or threatening. During these calls she seemed like her old self. She was extremely distressed and hurt to be accused of terrorizing her oldest friend. This confused Mom. She found herself believing Sister. She began to wonder if A could be making everything up. I tried to explain that this was not new behavior for Sister, it was new to us because we had never been on the receiving end. This is the way she acts when she is in the hospital toward the staff. This is why she is released after 72 hours. I'm sure she told the staff during her previous hospital stays all kinds of terrible things about my parents and I so they would believe she was the victim.
Are you wondering if schizophrenics can turn on and off the crazy at will? The answer is yes - sometimes. They're not stupid. Self-preservation is a key motive in everyone. Sister doesn't want to be in the hospital. Patti told her that she was going to be civilly committed. She realized she had finally gone too far and there were going to be repercussions for her actions.
She went to court on August 2 and was civilly committed. What is a civil commitment? We don't know. Does is it involve therapy or some kind of health care? Not yet. It was a way for the ACT Team to relinquish their responsibility for her. They are no longer her mental health care providers. One thing we do know about a civil commitment is that it will show up on her public record and on background checks and could affect her ability to find a job. We wanted her to be committed to a hospital! We want a hospital and the healthcare system to be committed to her!
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
the bitch is back
The hospital in California kept Sister longer than the other 5 hospitals she has been to in the last 7 months. However, it was not long enough.
They provided her with clothes and put her on a Greyhound bus back to Minnesota July 2. On the way to the bus station her taxi broke down. The trip took an extra day as her bus was late and she missed the transfer. When she returned to her Duluth she found a note on her car that said "please do not drive - you have a flat tire." Mom claims that both God and the Devil hate her as that can be the only explanation for so much bad luck.
July 8 Mom and Dad went to see her. They bought her a phone and fixed her flat tire. She seemed okay. She let Mom into her apartment which has not happened for months. She even gave Mom a hug when they said their goodbyes. She talked about returning to college and seemed to be making plans for the future.
July 9 Sister called me trying to extort $800 "for the pain and suffering you've caused me, you disgusting inbred bitch! If you don't give it to me NOW I will get you fired and burn your face, I will put your parents in wheelchairs." I reminded her that I was the one who paid for her bus ticket home so she owes me $320. She ignored that and continued to threaten me with violence if I don't pay her.
She has also beaten up both of my parents on separate occasions.
They provided her with clothes and put her on a Greyhound bus back to Minnesota July 2. On the way to the bus station her taxi broke down. The trip took an extra day as her bus was late and she missed the transfer. When she returned to her Duluth she found a note on her car that said "please do not drive - you have a flat tire." Mom claims that both God and the Devil hate her as that can be the only explanation for so much bad luck.
July 8 Mom and Dad went to see her. They bought her a phone and fixed her flat tire. She seemed okay. She let Mom into her apartment which has not happened for months. She even gave Mom a hug when they said their goodbyes. She talked about returning to college and seemed to be making plans for the future.
July 9 Sister called me trying to extort $800 "for the pain and suffering you've caused me, you disgusting inbred bitch! If you don't give it to me NOW I will get you fired and burn your face, I will put your parents in wheelchairs." I reminded her that I was the one who paid for her bus ticket home so she owes me $320. She ignored that and continued to threaten me with violence if I don't pay her.
She has also beaten up both of my parents on separate occasions.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
all they left her with is the shirt on her back
Really, that is all she has left. The police found Sis wandering around the streets of Sacramento late at night on June 15 wearing only a shirt. Her phone was gone. Her pants, underwear, socks, and shoes were gone. The police were compassionate and told her she should find a thrift store because she should not be walking around naked. She explained she did not have any money and had been without her medication for almost a week. They eventually decided to take her to the ER.
Earlier that day Sis became so desperate for medication she decided to leave C who still does not have an apartment and is having her own breakdown and make the nearly 3 day bus ride to Duluth. She is becoming paranoid of C and having negative thoughts about her. She did not feel capable of making the journey but has few choices. She waited at the bus station for hours because the bus was full. They kicked her out because she was loitering. She's extremely sick and didn't want to go back to C's hotel. She is out of her mind.
Dad frantically wired her some money so she could stay in a hotel. The last he heard from her she was entering a cab and on her way to pick up the cash. She did not answer the phone even though he called several times. She never picked up the money. Dad was convinced she was dead.
What happened to my sister between getting into the cab and wandering around the streets nude? You fill in the blanks. I prefer not to.
Sunday morning the hospital called for billing information. They wanted to get paid first and foremost. Dad called the hospital back and talked to the nurse. She was very nice and said, "There is no way she is capable of a long bus ride or even getting on a bus in the state she is in."
Earlier that day Sis became so desperate for medication she decided to leave C who still does not have an apartment and is having her own breakdown and make the nearly 3 day bus ride to Duluth. She is becoming paranoid of C and having negative thoughts about her. She did not feel capable of making the journey but has few choices. She waited at the bus station for hours because the bus was full. They kicked her out because she was loitering. She's extremely sick and didn't want to go back to C's hotel. She is out of her mind.
Dad frantically wired her some money so she could stay in a hotel. The last he heard from her she was entering a cab and on her way to pick up the cash. She did not answer the phone even though he called several times. She never picked up the money. Dad was convinced she was dead.
What happened to my sister between getting into the cab and wandering around the streets nude? You fill in the blanks. I prefer not to.
Sunday morning the hospital called for billing information. They wanted to get paid first and foremost. Dad called the hospital back and talked to the nurse. She was very nice and said, "There is no way she is capable of a long bus ride or even getting on a bus in the state she is in."
refusal to provide anti-psychotics
On June 10 Sister's meds and wallet including all forms of identification were stolen. Apparently heaven does not exist even in California.
She contacted the ACT Team for assistance. Dr. Glick decided to freeze her meds and instructed the rest of the ACT Team to refuse to help my sister. Is this a normal response when a patient is in crisis?
Every day health care professionals go to extreme measures to help their patients. I don't think providing medication to a mentally ill person is above and beyond the call of duty, it's simply doing your job. Doctor Glick and the ACT Team prescribe and monitor her medication. They are the people to contact when there is a problem. It is impossible for her to receive medication without their assistance. If my sister had any other disease she would not have had to fight to receive her medication. We're not talking about medication that gets you high, we're talking about anti-psychotics! ANTI-PSYCHOTICS!!!!!
My sister is a vulnerable adult. She was without medication for over a week. She did not have any money or any form of identification which would have made obtaining medication easier. She is extremely sick and becoming unable to function. She told C she could no longer drive because she was seeing things that were not there. My sister primarily has auditory hallucinations but began having visual hallucinations due to lack of medication.
My parents have been going to a mental illness support group. It's primarily a peer to peer group for people with a mental illness but they've welcomed my parents. The majority of them have had great experiences with their doctors and have actually said the words, "My doctor saved my life." That is the kind of care we want for Sis. Instead I have to write a stupid blog about refusal of care!
Do you think we should go to extreme measures like making a few phone calls to facilitate a mentally ill person's reception of anti-psychotics?
She contacted the ACT Team for assistance. Dr. Glick decided to freeze her meds and instructed the rest of the ACT Team to refuse to help my sister. Is this a normal response when a patient is in crisis?
Every day health care professionals go to extreme measures to help their patients. I don't think providing medication to a mentally ill person is above and beyond the call of duty, it's simply doing your job. Doctor Glick and the ACT Team prescribe and monitor her medication. They are the people to contact when there is a problem. It is impossible for her to receive medication without their assistance. If my sister had any other disease she would not have had to fight to receive her medication. We're not talking about medication that gets you high, we're talking about anti-psychotics! ANTI-PSYCHOTICS!!!!!
My sister is a vulnerable adult. She was without medication for over a week. She did not have any money or any form of identification which would have made obtaining medication easier. She is extremely sick and becoming unable to function. She told C she could no longer drive because she was seeing things that were not there. My sister primarily has auditory hallucinations but began having visual hallucinations due to lack of medication.
My parents have been going to a mental illness support group. It's primarily a peer to peer group for people with a mental illness but they've welcomed my parents. The majority of them have had great experiences with their doctors and have actually said the words, "My doctor saved my life." That is the kind of care we want for Sis. Instead I have to write a stupid blog about refusal of care!
Do you think we should go to extreme measures like making a few phone calls to facilitate a mentally ill person's reception of anti-psychotics?
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
heaven and california
I haven't written lately because Sister has been pretty quiet. She's very sad because she has begun to realize that there's something wrong. I hope she does not remember everything she did and said while she was psychotic because the guilt will eat her alive. She's always been the type of person who beats herself up for any slight hurt or discomfort she may have caused another person. I forgive her. My parents forgive her. We just want her to be ok.
I didn't hear from her for a few days. Dad said, "I think she's coming out of it!" He's been saying that every other day since Christmas only to be disappointed when her delusions rear their ugly heads again. On May 23 she called me ranting and raving and screaming hysterically. I was at work so I turned off my phone. I can't take her abuse anymore. I can't. Her friend C is moving to California and wanted Sis to drive there with her. C and Sis would drive the car while C's daughter and a friend drove the U-haul. Dad surmised the trip was stressing Sis out. Stress makes her voices worse - meaner and louder. Dad begged her not to go.
Sis left for California on May 24. She has $10. C promised to pay for everyone's expenses including their bus tickets home. C is Sister's oldest (literally and figuratively) Duluth friend and has schizophrenia. I don't know what she will do without C. C's moving so far away is going to be really difficult for Sis. We didn't hear from Sis for a few days. May 28 she called me screaming obscenities and condensed her usual 15 minute rant into 90 seconds.
C bought a new car for the move to California. One of the reasons she invited Sis on the trip is C is paranoid about driving and wanted Sis to do most of the driving. Sis is also paranoid about driving. When she called me I was afraid that they had an accident. When I pleaded with her to tell me where she was she kept repeating, "I'm on my way to heaven, you fucking ugly cunt! You won't be able to stop me from committing suicide now will you, you disgusting bitch?" This terrified me.
Dad called Sis and found out that the apartment C had reserved was no longer available. She is trying to find an apartment but she has bad credit. Sis called me when C was at an interview. She was finally alone and able to let her pent up stress out... on me.
I don't know what is going on out there in California but it can't be going that well if she's talking about suicide and going to heaven.
I didn't hear from her for a few days. Dad said, "I think she's coming out of it!" He's been saying that every other day since Christmas only to be disappointed when her delusions rear their ugly heads again. On May 23 she called me ranting and raving and screaming hysterically. I was at work so I turned off my phone. I can't take her abuse anymore. I can't. Her friend C is moving to California and wanted Sis to drive there with her. C and Sis would drive the car while C's daughter and a friend drove the U-haul. Dad surmised the trip was stressing Sis out. Stress makes her voices worse - meaner and louder. Dad begged her not to go.
Sis left for California on May 24. She has $10. C promised to pay for everyone's expenses including their bus tickets home. C is Sister's oldest (literally and figuratively) Duluth friend and has schizophrenia. I don't know what she will do without C. C's moving so far away is going to be really difficult for Sis. We didn't hear from Sis for a few days. May 28 she called me screaming obscenities and condensed her usual 15 minute rant into 90 seconds.
C bought a new car for the move to California. One of the reasons she invited Sis on the trip is C is paranoid about driving and wanted Sis to do most of the driving. Sis is also paranoid about driving. When she called me I was afraid that they had an accident. When I pleaded with her to tell me where she was she kept repeating, "I'm on my way to heaven, you fucking ugly cunt! You won't be able to stop me from committing suicide now will you, you disgusting bitch?" This terrified me.
Dad called Sis and found out that the apartment C had reserved was no longer available. She is trying to find an apartment but she has bad credit. Sis called me when C was at an interview. She was finally alone and able to let her pent up stress out... on me.
I don't know what is going on out there in California but it can't be going that well if she's talking about suicide and going to heaven.
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