the delusion

Well, she's still alive. She is calling and texting me all the time. Here are a few texts:
When he breaks my arm im gonna break your fucking face.
When he gets me pregnant I will fist fuck you.
When he fucks you I will burn your face off.

I don't respond to these texts. They have nothing to do with me. They are part of her delusion. I am not offended by them. They are a way to gauge the progression of her illness.

In the summer of 2012 my sister's behavior began to change. I was worried. I told my parents about it and they could see a difference in her and were subjected to some outbursts. She would text our brother terrible things from time to time. Things were the same between her and I for the most part. She's my best friend. We spoke on the phone at least twice a day and I would often visit her for the weekend. In the fall she stopped answering my calls. When she did she was hostile and said things that were out of character. My sister has been doing so well for the past few years! My parents and I could not face her disease overwhelming her (and us) again and we ignored the early warning signs and let her illness get out of control.

On Dec 15, she texted me, "So sister are you going to have a pig with R??? You are disgusting." I had no idea what she meant. I thought she was joking. What did she mean by asking if i was going to have a pig with her boyfriend? I could not fathom what that could possibly mean. It took me days to realize by pig she meant baby.

When she called me a few minutes later screaming with so much rage her voice was barely recognizable and nearly incomprehensible I began to realize how extremely sick she was. I was shocked. We hadn't been talking much. That hurt me but I was trying to do whatever was best for her. Lately, it seemed like talking to me upset her. She was taking difficult nursing classes and I was giving her space. I want her to do well in school. I knew she was having problems. I didn't know how to help her and when I told my parents my fears of her having a relapse they didn't want to contemplate that possibility.

The main symptom of schizophrenia is hearing voices. While medication helps to lessen the voices and allows my sister to control her reaction to them the voices have never gone away. Sometimes they attack her and she screams at them. I've learned from years of experience that if I try to intervene or calm her down, the episode will last longer and I will become part of her delusion. When I visit her and she has an episode I let her cry and scream. When she's done we go on with our day. I have been waiting since Dec 15, 2012 11:54am to go on with my day.

My sister has been utterly lost in a sad and terrifying world where everyone hurts and betrays her since then. In her delusion she is pregnant with R's baby and I am also pregnant by him. Sometimes she believes she is pregnant with 3 babies by 3 different men and that I am too. She is enraged that I would have sex with her boyfriend(s). The voices say cruel things to her. Sometimes they say that they are me or mom or dad. They are more real to her than we are. The voices are her reality now. She is trapped in a nightmare. My parents and I trapped in it with her.

Whenever I tell anyone this, they inevitably ask, "did you have sex with her boyfriend?" The answer is NO! I would never do that.

Another aspect of her delusion is that the she believes that our parents have chosen to support me instead of her. She feels deeply betrayed and abandoned by them. If any of this had happened in real life she would at some point get over it. But she can't get over something that is not real and has not happened. For her it is always happening, it is happening over and over and over. She keeps feeling the same torment and pain over and over. If your sister became pregnant by your boyfriend while you were pregnant, you would be understandably pissed off. You would probably call her up and bitch her out. If your parents took her side you would probably call them up and bitch them out. What if you were caught in a loop where this happened to you every day? What if when you called your sister to talk it over she doesn't apologize she says, "this isn't real! This hasn't happened! This will not happen! I am not pregnant! You are not pregnant! I don't even know R!" but you know for sure that it will happen? Wouldn't that enrage and frustrate you?

When I point out that I do not know R or want to know him sister says, "you will, you fat fucking cunt! You are going to fuck him in the future, you stupid ugly fake feminist! I KNOW THE FUTURE!!!!!" Sometimes when she hisses this at me I laugh a little. It's not funny. It's tragic. But it is a really bizarre experience to have my beloved sister insult me and berate me and yell at me for something that has not happened and could never happen but that she believes will happen because she can see into the future! It is so ridiculous I have to laugh to keep from screaming.

What would you do if your sister called you out of the blue and accused you of having an affair with her boyfriend/husband and told you that the next time she saw you she was going to fuck up your face, bitch? What would you do if she kept accusing you of this for months and said she was going to kill you for ruining her life and taking away her family?