On Friday April 26, the first day that felt like spring, my sister jumped in her car and drove to my house. Fortunately, I wasn't home. I was at work. If I had been home I am certain she would have killed me. She took her insanity-fueled rage out on my possessions destroying nearly everything I own.
My parents and I suspected she was on her way to "burn down your house and fuck you up" as she has so often threatened. Dad warned me not to go home. He went there and somehow convinced her to go to a motel in a town 17 miles away. She left her car at the house and doesn't have an independent source of transportation so we are kinda safe for the moment. She's very intelligent and charming and could easily talk someone into driving her 17 miles to kill her family.
We are demoralized and hopeless at this point. Mom now wishes that sis will fulfill her promise to murder us because that seems to be the only way out of this nightmare. We sometimes argue about who sis gets to kill first (me first! me first! me!!!). We're tired. We don't want to do this anymore.
I am haunted by the guilt and pain inspired by the knowledge that sis would stop at nothing to save one of us! She would find a way to rescue us from madness. She would find the words, the doctor, the program, the medication to bring us back. She would always answer my phone calls no matter what insane filth i spewed at her. And I can't save her. I can't help her. The mental health care system prevents me from helping her and it prevents her from recovering. My parents and I are forced to watch and participate in her decline - unnecessary as it could be prevented if her illness was actually monitored and treated by the health care professionals who get paid to do so.
My sister would never allow me to lose 6 months of my life. My sister would never allow me to slide into madness. My sister would not allow what is happening to her to happen to me! She wouldn't! I have failed her! The mental health care system has failed her! The +ACT team has failed her! Dr. Glick has failed her! Everyone has failed her!
Hopefully she will kill me first.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Saturday, April 13, 2013
it's a secret
Yesterday the hospital released my sister. They did not contact us, they just put her on a bus. I don't know if she had a coat or any money. I don't know who picked her up from the bus station. Duluth has a foot of snow courtesy of the April snow showers. How can health care professionals in good conscience release a sick person from the hospital, who is hours away from home without some kind of plan and without communicating with her family? They didn't cure her. They didn't help her. If she had cancer or was in car accident I know her family would be involved. Instead we are ignored and treated like pariahs. But who does she call as soon as she gets home? Us!
If she had a crisis on the bus she would have called us and we would have helped her out yet the health care providers do their best to keep her treatment (or non-treatment) a secret! They can't talk to us even though we are valuable resources who can provide them with her medical history. On one hand, we're not allowed access to her care while on the other hand we are responsible for her.
I don't understand why they let her out. It's tragic and unfair that she is denied care. If my sister ever receives the health care she deserves and recovers she will view all these months as wasted time, lost time. She will not thank the health care professionals who "protected her rights" and let her remain untreated. This is not the way my sister wants to live. She wants to return to college and become a productive member of society again. She does not want to be the angry, raving, vulgar, obscene creature untreated schizophrenia transforms her into. The doctors, while they may be enforcing the current law, are not acting in my sister's best interests. Their decision to release her while she is still extremely sick does not benefit my sister. All my parents and I want is my sister to recover and return to her life.
If she had a crisis on the bus she would have called us and we would have helped her out yet the health care providers do their best to keep her treatment (or non-treatment) a secret! They can't talk to us even though we are valuable resources who can provide them with her medical history. On one hand, we're not allowed access to her care while on the other hand we are responsible for her.
I don't understand why they let her out. It's tragic and unfair that she is denied care. If my sister ever receives the health care she deserves and recovers she will view all these months as wasted time, lost time. She will not thank the health care professionals who "protected her rights" and let her remain untreated. This is not the way my sister wants to live. She wants to return to college and become a productive member of society again. She does not want to be the angry, raving, vulgar, obscene creature untreated schizophrenia transforms her into. The doctors, while they may be enforcing the current law, are not acting in my sister's best interests. Their decision to release her while she is still extremely sick does not benefit my sister. All my parents and I want is my sister to recover and return to her life.
Monday, April 8, 2013
mental health crisis hotline
I did not hear from my sister for a few days. I knew she was ok (breathing but delusional) because she'd spoken with my parents. She began calling me every few minutes around 6 pm on Saturday. I was trying to sleep as I work the graveyard shift on the weekends so I did not answer. I couldn't bear to hear her abuse. Mom says that we are experiencing something similar to domestic violence - constantly berated, insulted, threatened, and terrorized by a person we have an emotional connection with. I'm reaching the point where I don't want this in my life anymore. I know she is sick and she is not in control of the things she says and does. I know her calls and texts are a cry for help. But there is no help. It is exhausting and painful to fight her and fight for her at the same time.
If I don't answer she usually gives up after a while. This time she was persistent. When I turned off my cell she began calling my home phone. Eventually, I picked up. She screamed, ranted, threatened and accused me like usual. I tried to calm her down but everything I say she argues with, even when I agree with her. I told her I wasn't going to argue about things that are not real. She said, "they're real to me, you fucking inbred bitch! They happen to me over and over!" I feel so sorry for her. But I'm used to this now. I'm unfazed by the swearing, name-calling, and insane accusations. For the most part, I am numb. It is the only way I can survive witnessing my beautiful sister's decline.
When I arrived at work I turned my phone back on hoping she would give it a rest. She called right away. When I answered resigning myself to another session of vitriol, loathing and hallucinations, I heard heartbreaking sobs. The kind of crying that signifies desperation and hopelessness. This new development terrified me! She sounded so broken I was afraid she would hurt herself. I said, "what can I do to help you? I will do anything to help you! I don't want you to suffer like this anymore!" She sobbed, "just leave me alone, stop doing what you're doing to me!" I said, "I'm not doing anything to you. It's the voices!" I started to cry and hung up. I called the mental health crisis hotline for St. Louis County. Tammy answered. I told her the situation and then she began interrogating me. She asked what I wanted done. I told her my sister needs to be hospitalized. She told me "by law she is not sick enough" for them to do anything! Not sick enough! She is sicker than she has ever been! Mental health care providers really have figured out how to avoid doing their jobs! When the mentally ill are in a health crisis they are conveniently "not sick enough" to receive care and when a tragedy occurs they are are reviled and deemed unworthy of care.
Sunday afternoon she began calling Mom. She became so wild that Mom called the Crisis Hotline. The stress, worry, dread and helplessness we have been living with for months is elephantine. She was a little hostile, and the Hotline operator hung up on her! My sister called back screeching, "listen to this my fucking bitch of a mother!" The next thing Mom heard was what sounded like everything in my sister's apartment breaking. She has been threatening to break all the windows in her apartment and slit her wrists with the glass. Mom was convinced this is what she was doing so she called 911. We've called 911 several times and they have gone over and done a safety check. This time they took my sister to the hospital.
The officer called Mom to inform her they would be taking her to St. Luke's. They called back a short time later because St. Luke's did not have any beds available and they had to transport her to St. Mary's. The nurse at St. Mary's called to get some info about my sister and told Mom they were also full and she would keep us updated about they were going to send her. Hours later they called to say they wanted to bring her to Austin, MN but could only do that if we were willing to give her a ride home! Austin is over 4 hours away from Duluth where my sister lives and 5 hours away from my parent's home. My parents agreed to pick her up when she is released.
Sister is heading to Austin. We'll see what happens there.
If I don't answer she usually gives up after a while. This time she was persistent. When I turned off my cell she began calling my home phone. Eventually, I picked up. She screamed, ranted, threatened and accused me like usual. I tried to calm her down but everything I say she argues with, even when I agree with her. I told her I wasn't going to argue about things that are not real. She said, "they're real to me, you fucking inbred bitch! They happen to me over and over!" I feel so sorry for her. But I'm used to this now. I'm unfazed by the swearing, name-calling, and insane accusations. For the most part, I am numb. It is the only way I can survive witnessing my beautiful sister's decline.
When I arrived at work I turned my phone back on hoping she would give it a rest. She called right away. When I answered resigning myself to another session of vitriol, loathing and hallucinations, I heard heartbreaking sobs. The kind of crying that signifies desperation and hopelessness. This new development terrified me! She sounded so broken I was afraid she would hurt herself. I said, "what can I do to help you? I will do anything to help you! I don't want you to suffer like this anymore!" She sobbed, "just leave me alone, stop doing what you're doing to me!" I said, "I'm not doing anything to you. It's the voices!" I started to cry and hung up. I called the mental health crisis hotline for St. Louis County. Tammy answered. I told her the situation and then she began interrogating me. She asked what I wanted done. I told her my sister needs to be hospitalized. She told me "by law she is not sick enough" for them to do anything! Not sick enough! She is sicker than she has ever been! Mental health care providers really have figured out how to avoid doing their jobs! When the mentally ill are in a health crisis they are conveniently "not sick enough" to receive care and when a tragedy occurs they are are reviled and deemed unworthy of care.
Sunday afternoon she began calling Mom. She became so wild that Mom called the Crisis Hotline. The stress, worry, dread and helplessness we have been living with for months is elephantine. She was a little hostile, and the Hotline operator hung up on her! My sister called back screeching, "listen to this my fucking bitch of a mother!" The next thing Mom heard was what sounded like everything in my sister's apartment breaking. She has been threatening to break all the windows in her apartment and slit her wrists with the glass. Mom was convinced this is what she was doing so she called 911. We've called 911 several times and they have gone over and done a safety check. This time they took my sister to the hospital.
The officer called Mom to inform her they would be taking her to St. Luke's. They called back a short time later because St. Luke's did not have any beds available and they had to transport her to St. Mary's. The nurse at St. Mary's called to get some info about my sister and told Mom they were also full and she would keep us updated about they were going to send her. Hours later they called to say they wanted to bring her to Austin, MN but could only do that if we were willing to give her a ride home! Austin is over 4 hours away from Duluth where my sister lives and 5 hours away from my parent's home. My parents agreed to pick her up when she is released.
Sister is heading to Austin. We'll see what happens there.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
why i hate everyone
I have two jobs. Yesterday at one of them after a customer came in, a colleague began talking about her. She said she "was crazy and had an outburst here ranting and raving about chem trails." Then she proceeded to say she didn't deserve to receive social security benefits even though "she's had a lot of jobs but can't keep them." From my co-worker's description of her behavior I surmise she has a mental illness. The day before at my other job a co-worker described a frequent customer as "a schizo" and described all his strange habits.This basic lack of understanding of mental illness and sympathy for a fellow human being astounds me! This is why I hate everyone.
I'm certain these people would be surprised to learn that I have a schizo in the family. I stopped telling people years ago that my sister has schizophrenia. This is not because I am ashamed or embarrassed of her, quite the contrary. I assume that all of you are ignorant, "don't believe in mental illness" and will say something callous like "she must have made lot of bad choices" that will make me want to punch you in the face. I won't resort to violence, of course, I will just consider you to be a stupid asshole from now on. I don't want the small-minded to judge, penalize, or treat my sister differently because she has schizophrenia.
If I spoke up and said, "hey, it's not right to talk like that. Schizophrenia, bipolar and depression are medical illnesses. These people have done nothing to cause their illnesses. They were dealt a bad hand by the big guy upstairs. They deserve to be treated with compassion and grace, not gossipped about. They have suffered more in their lives than you could ever imagine" what would you think of me?
I'm certain these people would be surprised to learn that I have a schizo in the family. I stopped telling people years ago that my sister has schizophrenia. This is not because I am ashamed or embarrassed of her, quite the contrary. I assume that all of you are ignorant, "don't believe in mental illness" and will say something callous like "she must have made lot of bad choices" that will make me want to punch you in the face. I won't resort to violence, of course, I will just consider you to be a stupid asshole from now on. I don't want the small-minded to judge, penalize, or treat my sister differently because she has schizophrenia.
If I spoke up and said, "hey, it's not right to talk like that. Schizophrenia, bipolar and depression are medical illnesses. These people have done nothing to cause their illnesses. They were dealt a bad hand by the big guy upstairs. They deserve to be treated with compassion and grace, not gossipped about. They have suffered more in their lives than you could ever imagine" what would you think of me?
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
wtf?
One problem that haunts my sister is drugs. She doesn't do them but the professionals always seem to want to blame everything on drug use. This has been our experience since she first became ill 17 years ago. Many times mental illness and drug use go hand in hand. This is called self-medication. People with a mental illness primarily use drugs in an attempt to normalize and diminish their symptoms. My sister does not use illicit drugs and has always been med compliant. She does like to drink but is not an alcoholic. I wish she was a junkie or a drunk. I wish she sat around all day and did meth. I truly do. Then I could let her sink or swim and blame her miserable life on her own bad choices. At least she'd be having some good times partying and I would be off the hook. Unfortunately, my sister has schizophrenia, a disease she did nothing to cause and does not deserve. I worry about her constantly and am driven to find a way to save her from the frightening and painful hallucinations that are destroying her body, mind and soul.
When my sister first began working with the +ACT Team around 10 years ago she was forced to go to chemical dependency classes. Most of the other people in the class had a mental illness. They did "therapeutic" things like watch movies featuring excessive drug use. At that time my sis was unable to watch tv or movies because "they give me messages in my mind." They watched movies like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas which is hilarious and one of my all time favorite books. However, I would never make my sister or someone suffering from delusions watch it. I don't know if the staff was trying to scare these poor, sad, vulnerable people straight, torture them or were simply lazy.
This fall when my sister was visiting she expressed frustration with the +ACT Team. She told them school was stressful as the voices were making it difficult for her to read and concentrate. She had not seen her outreach worker for weeks so called the head. Patty said, "c'mon, why don't you stop using that's the real problem, right?" My sister was baffled and asked, "using what?" Patty said, "you know, the artificial weed, the bath salts. You smoke that all the time." In Duluth The Last Place On Earth sells an artificial hallucinogenic that is similar to pot called "spice." Anyone who knows my sister knows she HATES spice! She often rants about it. Two of her good friends do smoke it as it cheaper and lasts longer than pot and can be bought at a store. Her ex-boyfriend R also smokes it. She has never tried it. She does not want her friends to smoke it because of the way the act when they under the influence of the drug. She does not believe it is safe and worries about the side-effects of long-term use. These are artificial drugs that have not been researched. No one knows what damage they could do. She was so shocked, hurt and horrified by this accusation that she didn't know what to say to Patty. Patty was her former outreach worker, the one she connected to the most, the one she felt gave her the most support. She felt betrayed and angry. She lost all the respect and trust she had for Patty.
My sister was asking for help and instead of receiving she was denied it, accused of something she did not do and made to feel as if there was nowhere to turn. The ACT Team works with my sister because she has schizophrenia, not because she is on drugs! They are getting paid by the government to provide my sister with care for mental illness, not because she abuses drugs or alcohol! When my sister desperately opens up about the voices and requests help she is deflected by a stupid and groundless accusation! The ACT Team routinely uses excuses to avoid providing care to their clients.
When my sister first began working with the +ACT Team around 10 years ago she was forced to go to chemical dependency classes. Most of the other people in the class had a mental illness. They did "therapeutic" things like watch movies featuring excessive drug use. At that time my sis was unable to watch tv or movies because "they give me messages in my mind." They watched movies like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas which is hilarious and one of my all time favorite books. However, I would never make my sister or someone suffering from delusions watch it. I don't know if the staff was trying to scare these poor, sad, vulnerable people straight, torture them or were simply lazy.
This fall when my sister was visiting she expressed frustration with the +ACT Team. She told them school was stressful as the voices were making it difficult for her to read and concentrate. She had not seen her outreach worker for weeks so called the head. Patty said, "c'mon, why don't you stop using that's the real problem, right?" My sister was baffled and asked, "using what?" Patty said, "you know, the artificial weed, the bath salts. You smoke that all the time." In Duluth The Last Place On Earth sells an artificial hallucinogenic that is similar to pot called "spice." Anyone who knows my sister knows she HATES spice! She often rants about it. Two of her good friends do smoke it as it cheaper and lasts longer than pot and can be bought at a store. Her ex-boyfriend R also smokes it. She has never tried it. She does not want her friends to smoke it because of the way the act when they under the influence of the drug. She does not believe it is safe and worries about the side-effects of long-term use. These are artificial drugs that have not been researched. No one knows what damage they could do. She was so shocked, hurt and horrified by this accusation that she didn't know what to say to Patty. Patty was her former outreach worker, the one she connected to the most, the one she felt gave her the most support. She felt betrayed and angry. She lost all the respect and trust she had for Patty.
My sister was asking for help and instead of receiving she was denied it, accused of something she did not do and made to feel as if there was nowhere to turn. The ACT Team works with my sister because she has schizophrenia, not because she is on drugs! They are getting paid by the government to provide my sister with care for mental illness, not because she abuses drugs or alcohol! When my sister desperately opens up about the voices and requests help she is deflected by a stupid and groundless accusation! The ACT Team routinely uses excuses to avoid providing care to their clients.
i love my sister
My sister is the best person I know. She is kind to everyone and never discriminates or passes judgement. She is generous, gentle, fun-loving, and altruistic. She is extremely intelligent and artistic. She is the person everyone calls when they need help, are depressed, or need a little tlc. She is friendly and supportive to the disenfranchised. She is great in a crisis and always willing to listen or lend a hand. She loves music and is an excellent dancer.
My sister makes sure her friends (most of which are mentally ill) go to their appointments and gives them a ride to the doctor. It is ironic that a person so adamant and dedicated to ensuring others receive medical attention is denied it.
It pisses me off that I feel as if I have to convince people I reach out to for help that my sister is worthy of saving! She is not a degnerate. She has a life. She did nothing this cause this disease. She deserves to be treated. She deserves to recover. If she had any other illness she would have immediate sympathy! If she had any other illness we would not have to beg the people who get paid to provide care to actually do their job!
My sister makes sure her friends (most of which are mentally ill) go to their appointments and gives them a ride to the doctor. It is ironic that a person so adamant and dedicated to ensuring others receive medical attention is denied it.
It pisses me off that I feel as if I have to convince people I reach out to for help that my sister is worthy of saving! She is not a degnerate. She has a life. She did nothing this cause this disease. She deserves to be treated. She deserves to recover. If she had any other illness she would have immediate sympathy! If she had any other illness we would not have to beg the people who get paid to provide care to actually do their job!
Monday, April 1, 2013
unhappy easter
Dear Sister,
I miss you so much! You should have been with us on Easter! We need you! Please come back to us!
I made your Glazed Carrots with Sage. It turned out ok but was not as good as yours.
I don't know what to do anymore. I leave my phone off so I don't have to talk to you or read your texts. I don't answer the phone when you call. The rare occasions I do, I resolve to NEVER do it again! There is no point in listening to your insults, obscenities and bizarre accusations. If listening to you scream gave you peace for a few minutes I would do it. I would do it! I would subject myself to any kind of pain to give you some relief! But talking to you seems to make you worse and it makes gives the voices and your delusions more power. You get angry if I agree with you and you get angry if I don't. I can no longer tolerate your phone calls. They are breaking me! They are killing me!
I feel so guilty that I cannot help you. I will never recover from the guilt of leaving you alone in the dark, lonely world of schizophrenia. I know that if circumstances were reversed you would never give up on me, you would answer your phone no matter what. You would save me.
I miss you so much! You should have been with us on Easter! We need you! Please come back to us!
I made your Glazed Carrots with Sage. It turned out ok but was not as good as yours.
I don't know what to do anymore. I leave my phone off so I don't have to talk to you or read your texts. I don't answer the phone when you call. The rare occasions I do, I resolve to NEVER do it again! There is no point in listening to your insults, obscenities and bizarre accusations. If listening to you scream gave you peace for a few minutes I would do it. I would do it! I would subject myself to any kind of pain to give you some relief! But talking to you seems to make you worse and it makes gives the voices and your delusions more power. You get angry if I agree with you and you get angry if I don't. I can no longer tolerate your phone calls. They are breaking me! They are killing me!
I feel so guilty that I cannot help you. I will never recover from the guilt of leaving you alone in the dark, lonely world of schizophrenia. I know that if circumstances were reversed you would never give up on me, you would answer your phone no matter what. You would save me.
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