no one gets out of here alive

On Friday April 26, the first day that felt like spring, my sister jumped in her car and drove to my house. Fortunately, I wasn't home. I was at work. If I had been home I am certain she would have killed me. She took her insanity-fueled rage out on my possessions destroying nearly everything I own.

My parents and I suspected she was on her way to "burn down your house and fuck you up" as she has so often threatened. Dad warned me not to go home. He went there and somehow convinced her to go to a motel in a town 17 miles away. She left her car at the house and doesn't have an independent source of transportation so we are kinda safe for the moment. She's very intelligent and charming and could easily talk someone into driving her 17 miles to kill her family.

We are demoralized and hopeless at this point. Mom now wishes that sis will fulfill her promise to murder us because that seems to be the only way out of this nightmare. We sometimes argue about who sis gets to kill first (me first! me first! me!!!).  We're tired. We don't want to do this anymore.

I am haunted by the guilt and pain inspired by the knowledge that sis would stop at nothing to save one of us! She would find a way to rescue us from madness. She would find the words, the doctor, the program, the medication to bring us back. She would always answer my phone calls no matter what insane filth i spewed at her. And I can't save her. I can't help her. The mental health care system prevents me from helping her and it prevents her from recovering. My parents and I are forced to watch and participate in her decline - unnecessary as it could be prevented if her illness was actually monitored and treated by the health care professionals who get paid to do so.

My sister would never allow me to lose 6 months of my life. My sister would never allow me to slide into madness. My sister would not allow what is happening to her to happen to me! She wouldn't! I have failed her! The mental health care system has failed her! The +ACT team has failed her! Dr. Glick has failed her! Everyone has failed her!

 Hopefully she will kill me first.