Dad spent 3 weeks in ICU. The last two weeks he was on a ventilator and we were waiting for him to wake up and breathe on his own. He is doing better now but is still in the hospital. Needless to say we are all really stressed out. I haven't had time to blog so I will make a list of things I wanted to blog:
Sister is the only one who is dealing with this and not avoiding it! Sister is the only one having a normal reaction to Dad being in the hospital!
I am amazed at how Sister is interacting with everyone at the hospital (including me) and handling this sad and frightening situation!
I have often thought that we have done the wrong thing in keeping Sister and I apart - that made the delusion more real. Seeing me on a daily basis has made her realize that I am not the voice she is hearing and that I have not done or said the things she hallucinates. We're making progress.
Sister spends her nights wandering around in the field listening to music on her phone and then cries hysterically all day - scary!
Sister is giving me murderous looks and hissing, "icky" when she walks by me.
Sister attacked me yesterday and beat me up. I should have called the cops. I just went to my room and locked the door. She needs to go back to Duluth!
That brings us up to date. This morning all I wanted to do was to get her the fuck out of here! Her presence does not benefit Dad and it's making her more psychotic. I would rather not be fistfucked or have my face burned off and we seem to be closer and closer to that happening. Mom's way of dealing with the tension between us is to attempt to keep us away from each other. She took Sister for a ride this morning. When they returned Sister was screaming, "Leave me the fuck alone! I want to die! I've had enough of this shit!" She didn't hurt Mom and wasn't yelling at Mom. She was having a psychotic episode and yelling at the voices. The voices have been too loud to drown out for the past week. This morning I witnessed Sister scream and beg the empty space on her right to "shut up and leave me alone! Please! Please!" Then she would sob and sob heart brokenly before turning to the right and viciously yelling at the emptiness to leave her alone, before desperately begging and then crying again. This went on for 20 minutes. I have not seen her actively talking to the voices for years! I'd forgotten how freaky and shattering that is to watch. It shattered me, I refuse to contemplate what it's doing to her. I was at the point where I didn't care what happened to her as long as I no longer had to deal with her. Now I'm back in the fight. In my mind Sister had become a crude, violent bully instead of someone who is suffering from a disease and worthy of compassion. I can look beyond my own fear and frustration and see hers. There has to be someone who can help her! She doesn't deserve to be tormented like this!
Indulge me for a moment and imagine that you hear the person you love most in the whole world - your husband, daughter, sister, besty - yelling angrily from the next room. You run to find out what is wrong and you see them violently arguing with... no one. But No One is louder than you, and insists it is more real than you, and is always there. You see how this is destroying the person you love most in the whole world. And you are terrified and helpless and miserable but not as terrified and helpless and miserable as they are. What can you do to save them? What should I do to save my sister?
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
i spoke too soon
August 14 Dad was hospitalized in Bemidji. Sister and her friend S drove down that night. Sister and I saw each other for the first time in at least 9 months. We said hi over our father's sickbed. Dad was in ICU awaiting surgery the following day. I mostly tried to avoid looking her in the eye as that is one of NAMI's guidelines for dealing with the mentally ill. My strategy was to avoid her as much as possible. I didn't want to do anything to antagonize her. I was afraid she would attack me or pull out Dad's IVs. I didn't really think she would but it was a concern and something I wanted to prevent.
She doesn't like crowds, hospitals, the heat, or stress. She has to deal with all of those things in this crisis. Dad is her hero and has been her link to the family. He has taken a lot of her abuse but has kept open lines of communication with her. Sister loves Dad dearly and deserves to be with him. Whether she knows it or not she needs Mom and I, too.
Sister and S camped. S is an old hippie and brought her tent. The last night they stayed at the Akeley campground which is close to my house. Sister came over to use the bathroom and plug her phone in. She went outside to smoke. When she came back in she said she'd be back later to get her phone and left. I kept smelling cigarette smoke. I don't think she went back to her campsite. I think she was lurking outside watching me 45 minutes.
Sister did pretty well considering the circumstances. When she started to glare at me I left the room. She became angry a few times and Mom told her to calm down or leave the room. Dad was moved out of ICU August 19. Sister returned to Duluth the next day.
August 21 Dad began to decline and had another operation. He is in ICU again. He has a breathing tube and is heavily sedated. Sister drove back to Bemidji. We spoke a few times on the phone. We had a normal conversation. Well, if it's normal to talk about your Dad having surgery. While she didn't sound quite like my sister and best friend, she didn't sound like a homicidal maniac. She stayed at my house. I locked my bedroom door. She did yell a few times. But this is not a fun or easy situation for anyone.
Oh fuck! Sister just called me and that insane tone is back in her voice and she demanded to know where I was. When I said I was at work she said, "Well, you better cancel it! You better come take care of your Mother! Right now! Cuz I am sick of this shit!" Mom called me a minute later and said that she started acting weird and freaked out. She said she is by her car. Mom doesn't want her to drive when the voices are bad.
She does not know where I work. I was hired by a bank a few months ago and during my first week Sister called the bank and told them they should not have hired me because I'm a drug addict and a thief. They didn't believe it and they didn't fire me. I explained the situation but I always felt like the other employees treated me differently after that. I never felt comfortable working there. Is it worse to be a drug addict and a thief or to have a crazy sister who calls your place of employment and says you are?
The real question is if Sister's car is at my house after work do I walk in the door and say hi or do I call the cops?
She doesn't like crowds, hospitals, the heat, or stress. She has to deal with all of those things in this crisis. Dad is her hero and has been her link to the family. He has taken a lot of her abuse but has kept open lines of communication with her. Sister loves Dad dearly and deserves to be with him. Whether she knows it or not she needs Mom and I, too.
Sister and S camped. S is an old hippie and brought her tent. The last night they stayed at the Akeley campground which is close to my house. Sister came over to use the bathroom and plug her phone in. She went outside to smoke. When she came back in she said she'd be back later to get her phone and left. I kept smelling cigarette smoke. I don't think she went back to her campsite. I think she was lurking outside watching me 45 minutes.
Sister did pretty well considering the circumstances. When she started to glare at me I left the room. She became angry a few times and Mom told her to calm down or leave the room. Dad was moved out of ICU August 19. Sister returned to Duluth the next day.
August 21 Dad began to decline and had another operation. He is in ICU again. He has a breathing tube and is heavily sedated. Sister drove back to Bemidji. We spoke a few times on the phone. We had a normal conversation. Well, if it's normal to talk about your Dad having surgery. While she didn't sound quite like my sister and best friend, she didn't sound like a homicidal maniac. She stayed at my house. I locked my bedroom door. She did yell a few times. But this is not a fun or easy situation for anyone.
Oh fuck! Sister just called me and that insane tone is back in her voice and she demanded to know where I was. When I said I was at work she said, "Well, you better cancel it! You better come take care of your Mother! Right now! Cuz I am sick of this shit!" Mom called me a minute later and said that she started acting weird and freaked out. She said she is by her car. Mom doesn't want her to drive when the voices are bad.
She does not know where I work. I was hired by a bank a few months ago and during my first week Sister called the bank and told them they should not have hired me because I'm a drug addict and a thief. They didn't believe it and they didn't fire me. I explained the situation but I always felt like the other employees treated me differently after that. I never felt comfortable working there. Is it worse to be a drug addict and a thief or to have a crazy sister who calls your place of employment and says you are?
The real question is if Sister's car is at my house after work do I walk in the door and say hi or do I call the cops?
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
commitment
I'm disheartened by the way Sister's illness has progressed since her return from CA. Things have only gotten worse. On Monday, July 22 Sister's best friend from childhood and high school called to inform us that Sister had been calling her repeatedly since Friday. Sister would whisper into the phone "I'm going to cut you" and "you deserve to die." A was calm but has two small children and was understandably frightened. She had tolerated the phone calls as long as possible. Years ago Sister had made threatening phone calls to A. A knows that Sister has schizophrenia. She doesn't want her to be punished, she wants the phone calls to stop.
Mom called the ACT team. They called A and instructed her to contact the police. She did and the police picked her up and took her to Miller Dwan.
In the meantime Sister called me and told me that she had been threatening A and since I had not stopped abusing her or fucking Ryan she was going to call my childhood best friend's mother and torment her! I told her that was a great idea and she should definitely do that because then she would go to jail or to the hospital forever! Ok, this is admittedly not my best moment. But I am tired of this! I have always proclaimed for everyone to hear that Sister is the best person I know. That's not true anymore. Now she is an angry, violent, unreasonable, delusional, insane person. We've done all we can for her.
When Mom called the ACT team she broke down and cried. She asked why Sister was only prescribed 100 mg of Clozaril when the recommended dose is 300-450 mg. She is taking 1/3 of the proper dose! Before she went to CA she was taking 200 mg which was not enough. Patti had the psychiatric nurse listen in and talk via speakerphone. She explained that she told Sister to increase her dosage and sister always says she will but she does not. Dr. Glick no longer deals with Sister and has passed her on to the psychiatric nurse. Seems cruel for (both patient and professional) to give someone fresh out of college and doing an internship a difficult case! Then Mom started screaming, "well, put her in the hospital then! Or shoot her! Just kill her! Please just have the police shoot her because she can kill us but I can't live with it if she hurts A or someone else! Just put us all out of our misery and shoot her!"
Sister stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks. During this period she called Mom repeatedly and begged her for help. She said A was falsely accusing her. She admitted to calling A but claimed while she did whisper she didn't say anything violent or threatening. During these calls she seemed like her old self. She was extremely distressed and hurt to be accused of terrorizing her oldest friend. This confused Mom. She found herself believing Sister. She began to wonder if A could be making everything up. I tried to explain that this was not new behavior for Sister, it was new to us because we had never been on the receiving end. This is the way she acts when she is in the hospital toward the staff. This is why she is released after 72 hours. I'm sure she told the staff during her previous hospital stays all kinds of terrible things about my parents and I so they would believe she was the victim.
Are you wondering if schizophrenics can turn on and off the crazy at will? The answer is yes - sometimes. They're not stupid. Self-preservation is a key motive in everyone. Sister doesn't want to be in the hospital. Patti told her that she was going to be civilly committed. She realized she had finally gone too far and there were going to be repercussions for her actions.
She went to court on August 2 and was civilly committed. What is a civil commitment? We don't know. Does is it involve therapy or some kind of health care? Not yet. It was a way for the ACT Team to relinquish their responsibility for her. They are no longer her mental health care providers. One thing we do know about a civil commitment is that it will show up on her public record and on background checks and could affect her ability to find a job. We wanted her to be committed to a hospital! We want a hospital and the healthcare system to be committed to her!
Mom called the ACT team. They called A and instructed her to contact the police. She did and the police picked her up and took her to Miller Dwan.
In the meantime Sister called me and told me that she had been threatening A and since I had not stopped abusing her or fucking Ryan she was going to call my childhood best friend's mother and torment her! I told her that was a great idea and she should definitely do that because then she would go to jail or to the hospital forever! Ok, this is admittedly not my best moment. But I am tired of this! I have always proclaimed for everyone to hear that Sister is the best person I know. That's not true anymore. Now she is an angry, violent, unreasonable, delusional, insane person. We've done all we can for her.
When Mom called the ACT team she broke down and cried. She asked why Sister was only prescribed 100 mg of Clozaril when the recommended dose is 300-450 mg. She is taking 1/3 of the proper dose! Before she went to CA she was taking 200 mg which was not enough. Patti had the psychiatric nurse listen in and talk via speakerphone. She explained that she told Sister to increase her dosage and sister always says she will but she does not. Dr. Glick no longer deals with Sister and has passed her on to the psychiatric nurse. Seems cruel for (both patient and professional) to give someone fresh out of college and doing an internship a difficult case! Then Mom started screaming, "well, put her in the hospital then! Or shoot her! Just kill her! Please just have the police shoot her because she can kill us but I can't live with it if she hurts A or someone else! Just put us all out of our misery and shoot her!"
Sister stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks. During this period she called Mom repeatedly and begged her for help. She said A was falsely accusing her. She admitted to calling A but claimed while she did whisper she didn't say anything violent or threatening. During these calls she seemed like her old self. She was extremely distressed and hurt to be accused of terrorizing her oldest friend. This confused Mom. She found herself believing Sister. She began to wonder if A could be making everything up. I tried to explain that this was not new behavior for Sister, it was new to us because we had never been on the receiving end. This is the way she acts when she is in the hospital toward the staff. This is why she is released after 72 hours. I'm sure she told the staff during her previous hospital stays all kinds of terrible things about my parents and I so they would believe she was the victim.
Are you wondering if schizophrenics can turn on and off the crazy at will? The answer is yes - sometimes. They're not stupid. Self-preservation is a key motive in everyone. Sister doesn't want to be in the hospital. Patti told her that she was going to be civilly committed. She realized she had finally gone too far and there were going to be repercussions for her actions.
She went to court on August 2 and was civilly committed. What is a civil commitment? We don't know. Does is it involve therapy or some kind of health care? Not yet. It was a way for the ACT Team to relinquish their responsibility for her. They are no longer her mental health care providers. One thing we do know about a civil commitment is that it will show up on her public record and on background checks and could affect her ability to find a job. We wanted her to be committed to a hospital! We want a hospital and the healthcare system to be committed to her!
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
the bitch is back
The hospital in California kept Sister longer than the other 5 hospitals she has been to in the last 7 months. However, it was not long enough.
They provided her with clothes and put her on a Greyhound bus back to Minnesota July 2. On the way to the bus station her taxi broke down. The trip took an extra day as her bus was late and she missed the transfer. When she returned to her Duluth she found a note on her car that said "please do not drive - you have a flat tire." Mom claims that both God and the Devil hate her as that can be the only explanation for so much bad luck.
July 8 Mom and Dad went to see her. They bought her a phone and fixed her flat tire. She seemed okay. She let Mom into her apartment which has not happened for months. She even gave Mom a hug when they said their goodbyes. She talked about returning to college and seemed to be making plans for the future.
July 9 Sister called me trying to extort $800 "for the pain and suffering you've caused me, you disgusting inbred bitch! If you don't give it to me NOW I will get you fired and burn your face, I will put your parents in wheelchairs." I reminded her that I was the one who paid for her bus ticket home so she owes me $320. She ignored that and continued to threaten me with violence if I don't pay her.
She has also beaten up both of my parents on separate occasions.
They provided her with clothes and put her on a Greyhound bus back to Minnesota July 2. On the way to the bus station her taxi broke down. The trip took an extra day as her bus was late and she missed the transfer. When she returned to her Duluth she found a note on her car that said "please do not drive - you have a flat tire." Mom claims that both God and the Devil hate her as that can be the only explanation for so much bad luck.
July 8 Mom and Dad went to see her. They bought her a phone and fixed her flat tire. She seemed okay. She let Mom into her apartment which has not happened for months. She even gave Mom a hug when they said their goodbyes. She talked about returning to college and seemed to be making plans for the future.
July 9 Sister called me trying to extort $800 "for the pain and suffering you've caused me, you disgusting inbred bitch! If you don't give it to me NOW I will get you fired and burn your face, I will put your parents in wheelchairs." I reminded her that I was the one who paid for her bus ticket home so she owes me $320. She ignored that and continued to threaten me with violence if I don't pay her.
She has also beaten up both of my parents on separate occasions.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
all they left her with is the shirt on her back
Really, that is all she has left. The police found Sis wandering around the streets of Sacramento late at night on June 15 wearing only a shirt. Her phone was gone. Her pants, underwear, socks, and shoes were gone. The police were compassionate and told her she should find a thrift store because she should not be walking around naked. She explained she did not have any money and had been without her medication for almost a week. They eventually decided to take her to the ER.
Earlier that day Sis became so desperate for medication she decided to leave C who still does not have an apartment and is having her own breakdown and make the nearly 3 day bus ride to Duluth. She is becoming paranoid of C and having negative thoughts about her. She did not feel capable of making the journey but has few choices. She waited at the bus station for hours because the bus was full. They kicked her out because she was loitering. She's extremely sick and didn't want to go back to C's hotel. She is out of her mind.
Dad frantically wired her some money so she could stay in a hotel. The last he heard from her she was entering a cab and on her way to pick up the cash. She did not answer the phone even though he called several times. She never picked up the money. Dad was convinced she was dead.
What happened to my sister between getting into the cab and wandering around the streets nude? You fill in the blanks. I prefer not to.
Sunday morning the hospital called for billing information. They wanted to get paid first and foremost. Dad called the hospital back and talked to the nurse. She was very nice and said, "There is no way she is capable of a long bus ride or even getting on a bus in the state she is in."
Earlier that day Sis became so desperate for medication she decided to leave C who still does not have an apartment and is having her own breakdown and make the nearly 3 day bus ride to Duluth. She is becoming paranoid of C and having negative thoughts about her. She did not feel capable of making the journey but has few choices. She waited at the bus station for hours because the bus was full. They kicked her out because she was loitering. She's extremely sick and didn't want to go back to C's hotel. She is out of her mind.
Dad frantically wired her some money so she could stay in a hotel. The last he heard from her she was entering a cab and on her way to pick up the cash. She did not answer the phone even though he called several times. She never picked up the money. Dad was convinced she was dead.
What happened to my sister between getting into the cab and wandering around the streets nude? You fill in the blanks. I prefer not to.
Sunday morning the hospital called for billing information. They wanted to get paid first and foremost. Dad called the hospital back and talked to the nurse. She was very nice and said, "There is no way she is capable of a long bus ride or even getting on a bus in the state she is in."
refusal to provide anti-psychotics
On June 10 Sister's meds and wallet including all forms of identification were stolen. Apparently heaven does not exist even in California.
She contacted the ACT Team for assistance. Dr. Glick decided to freeze her meds and instructed the rest of the ACT Team to refuse to help my sister. Is this a normal response when a patient is in crisis?
Every day health care professionals go to extreme measures to help their patients. I don't think providing medication to a mentally ill person is above and beyond the call of duty, it's simply doing your job. Doctor Glick and the ACT Team prescribe and monitor her medication. They are the people to contact when there is a problem. It is impossible for her to receive medication without their assistance. If my sister had any other disease she would not have had to fight to receive her medication. We're not talking about medication that gets you high, we're talking about anti-psychotics! ANTI-PSYCHOTICS!!!!!
My sister is a vulnerable adult. She was without medication for over a week. She did not have any money or any form of identification which would have made obtaining medication easier. She is extremely sick and becoming unable to function. She told C she could no longer drive because she was seeing things that were not there. My sister primarily has auditory hallucinations but began having visual hallucinations due to lack of medication.
My parents have been going to a mental illness support group. It's primarily a peer to peer group for people with a mental illness but they've welcomed my parents. The majority of them have had great experiences with their doctors and have actually said the words, "My doctor saved my life." That is the kind of care we want for Sis. Instead I have to write a stupid blog about refusal of care!
Do you think we should go to extreme measures like making a few phone calls to facilitate a mentally ill person's reception of anti-psychotics?
She contacted the ACT Team for assistance. Dr. Glick decided to freeze her meds and instructed the rest of the ACT Team to refuse to help my sister. Is this a normal response when a patient is in crisis?
Every day health care professionals go to extreme measures to help their patients. I don't think providing medication to a mentally ill person is above and beyond the call of duty, it's simply doing your job. Doctor Glick and the ACT Team prescribe and monitor her medication. They are the people to contact when there is a problem. It is impossible for her to receive medication without their assistance. If my sister had any other disease she would not have had to fight to receive her medication. We're not talking about medication that gets you high, we're talking about anti-psychotics! ANTI-PSYCHOTICS!!!!!
My sister is a vulnerable adult. She was without medication for over a week. She did not have any money or any form of identification which would have made obtaining medication easier. She is extremely sick and becoming unable to function. She told C she could no longer drive because she was seeing things that were not there. My sister primarily has auditory hallucinations but began having visual hallucinations due to lack of medication.
My parents have been going to a mental illness support group. It's primarily a peer to peer group for people with a mental illness but they've welcomed my parents. The majority of them have had great experiences with their doctors and have actually said the words, "My doctor saved my life." That is the kind of care we want for Sis. Instead I have to write a stupid blog about refusal of care!
Do you think we should go to extreme measures like making a few phone calls to facilitate a mentally ill person's reception of anti-psychotics?
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
heaven and california
I haven't written lately because Sister has been pretty quiet. She's very sad because she has begun to realize that there's something wrong. I hope she does not remember everything she did and said while she was psychotic because the guilt will eat her alive. She's always been the type of person who beats herself up for any slight hurt or discomfort she may have caused another person. I forgive her. My parents forgive her. We just want her to be ok.
I didn't hear from her for a few days. Dad said, "I think she's coming out of it!" He's been saying that every other day since Christmas only to be disappointed when her delusions rear their ugly heads again. On May 23 she called me ranting and raving and screaming hysterically. I was at work so I turned off my phone. I can't take her abuse anymore. I can't. Her friend C is moving to California and wanted Sis to drive there with her. C and Sis would drive the car while C's daughter and a friend drove the U-haul. Dad surmised the trip was stressing Sis out. Stress makes her voices worse - meaner and louder. Dad begged her not to go.
Sis left for California on May 24. She has $10. C promised to pay for everyone's expenses including their bus tickets home. C is Sister's oldest (literally and figuratively) Duluth friend and has schizophrenia. I don't know what she will do without C. C's moving so far away is going to be really difficult for Sis. We didn't hear from Sis for a few days. May 28 she called me screaming obscenities and condensed her usual 15 minute rant into 90 seconds.
C bought a new car for the move to California. One of the reasons she invited Sis on the trip is C is paranoid about driving and wanted Sis to do most of the driving. Sis is also paranoid about driving. When she called me I was afraid that they had an accident. When I pleaded with her to tell me where she was she kept repeating, "I'm on my way to heaven, you fucking ugly cunt! You won't be able to stop me from committing suicide now will you, you disgusting bitch?" This terrified me.
Dad called Sis and found out that the apartment C had reserved was no longer available. She is trying to find an apartment but she has bad credit. Sis called me when C was at an interview. She was finally alone and able to let her pent up stress out... on me.
I don't know what is going on out there in California but it can't be going that well if she's talking about suicide and going to heaven.
I didn't hear from her for a few days. Dad said, "I think she's coming out of it!" He's been saying that every other day since Christmas only to be disappointed when her delusions rear their ugly heads again. On May 23 she called me ranting and raving and screaming hysterically. I was at work so I turned off my phone. I can't take her abuse anymore. I can't. Her friend C is moving to California and wanted Sis to drive there with her. C and Sis would drive the car while C's daughter and a friend drove the U-haul. Dad surmised the trip was stressing Sis out. Stress makes her voices worse - meaner and louder. Dad begged her not to go.
Sis left for California on May 24. She has $10. C promised to pay for everyone's expenses including their bus tickets home. C is Sister's oldest (literally and figuratively) Duluth friend and has schizophrenia. I don't know what she will do without C. C's moving so far away is going to be really difficult for Sis. We didn't hear from Sis for a few days. May 28 she called me screaming obscenities and condensed her usual 15 minute rant into 90 seconds.
C bought a new car for the move to California. One of the reasons she invited Sis on the trip is C is paranoid about driving and wanted Sis to do most of the driving. Sis is also paranoid about driving. When she called me I was afraid that they had an accident. When I pleaded with her to tell me where she was she kept repeating, "I'm on my way to heaven, you fucking ugly cunt! You won't be able to stop me from committing suicide now will you, you disgusting bitch?" This terrified me.
Dad called Sis and found out that the apartment C had reserved was no longer available. She is trying to find an apartment but she has bad credit. Sis called me when C was at an interview. She was finally alone and able to let her pent up stress out... on me.
I don't know what is going on out there in California but it can't be going that well if she's talking about suicide and going to heaven.
Friday, May 10, 2013
how could you do this to me?!??
May 9, 2013 12:52am How could you do this to me?? & you are heidi blunt? You ugly cunt!!
May 9, 2013 1:12am Im not your sister whether I am a boy or a girl!!! Dont ever write about me again, bitch!!
May 9, 2013 1:18am At least I am not inbred and nasty and gross and shit. Forget it. I dont care anymore.
These are texts from Sis. I didn't read them until yesterday morning. The last one included a picture. It looked like a cartoon from the transistor, a weekly paper that lists the happenings in Duluth. I looked up www.transistormag.com and there was the cartoon she texted me. My sister is an artist and does a lot of drawing. She submitted some to the transistor as they are always looking for cartoonists. Her cartoons were ultimately rejected because they were deemed controversial. I don't really know why. They were beautiful and witty and a little macabre. They featured nude women which could have been the problem as a while ago the transistor printed some cartoons of naked people and was criticized for it.
She called me last night crying like she was absolutely broken and alone. She asked, "how could you do this to me? You're heidi blunt? Your cartoons are in the transistor? You've taken everything from me and now you print this about me and everyone will think I'm going to turn into a man? Why do you want to destroy me? Are you a demon? Everyone will see this and think I'm a man! What kind of person would do this to their sister?" I said, "c'mon! you know I cannot draw! I did not draw this! This has nothing to do with you!" She finally admitted that she knew I couldn't draw and then began wailing, "why? why? why? would anyone do something so horrible to their sister? this is disgusting! why make fun of your sister like this in front of everyone?" I said, "i think she is proud of her sibling! No one will think it's you! You're not transgender! You're not turning into a man! You haven't been taking hormones for 6 years! Your name is not Tyler! WAKE THE FUCK UP FOR GOD'S SAKE! Why didn't you stay in the hospital?"
But she doesn't listen, she cannot listen! She is sick! Why the fuck doesn't anyone help her? She's in this immense amount of pain! Her bizarre ranting and insane threats are one thing, I can ignore them because I know that is the voices, that is her disease talking, but the crying and hopelessness - that is my sister! She keeps calling me because she is reaching out to me! She wants me to help her! When I am in trouble or sad she is the first person I call! When she is in trouble or sad I am the first person she calls! I know that she calls me (even when she is threatening violence) because she wants help. I cannot help her. I am not a doctor. I hang up on her when I become angry. Yelling at her won't help. She already feels absolutely lost and alone. SHE IS absolutely lost and alone. No one can reach her. No one can penetrate her delusions. They are expanding. Now they include the transistor and Heidi Blunt.
And I am just so sad. I am so bereft. It seems like she is trying so hard to save herself. She can't because she needs the right medication and therapy for that. A symptom of schizophrenia is anosognosia or a lack of insight into your condition (the belief that nothing is wrong). She left the hospital in Fargo (and all the other hospitals she's been to in the past few months) because she does not believe she is sick. She cannot advocate for herself. This is why it is important the family be involved in the treatment of their mentally ill family member.
I have a feeling the main reason she did not stay in Fargo is St. Louis County and the ACT team needed her back in their territory so they could get paid for taking care of her. What is their care plan? To move her into a group home for people with drug and alcohol addiction! My sister has a severe and persistent mental illness that has been documented for 17 years! Does she have addiction problems on the books? NO! She is in a delusion that she cannot break out of. She requires long term hospitalization. A group home does not offer therapy, contact with a doctor, or med adjustments. I know because I worked in one for 4 years. Putting Sis in a group home is the same as putting someone with cancer in an old folks home and expecting them to go into remission.
My greatest most crippling fear has always been that Sis would have a relapse. Now she has. My greatest fear has been realized. How could I know it would be worse than I could possibly imagine? The thought never crossed my mind even once that she would become sick and not receive medical treatment! Never in a million years did I think this would happen. I though we would have a difficult few weeks - not months and months of pure hell, torment, sadness, frustration and hopelessness beyond belief.
May 9, 2013 1:12am Im not your sister whether I am a boy or a girl!!! Dont ever write about me again, bitch!!
May 9, 2013 1:18am At least I am not inbred and nasty and gross and shit. Forget it. I dont care anymore.
These are texts from Sis. I didn't read them until yesterday morning. The last one included a picture. It looked like a cartoon from the transistor, a weekly paper that lists the happenings in Duluth. I looked up www.transistormag.com and there was the cartoon she texted me. My sister is an artist and does a lot of drawing. She submitted some to the transistor as they are always looking for cartoonists. Her cartoons were ultimately rejected because they were deemed controversial. I don't really know why. They were beautiful and witty and a little macabre. They featured nude women which could have been the problem as a while ago the transistor printed some cartoons of naked people and was criticized for it.She called me last night crying like she was absolutely broken and alone. She asked, "how could you do this to me? You're heidi blunt? Your cartoons are in the transistor? You've taken everything from me and now you print this about me and everyone will think I'm going to turn into a man? Why do you want to destroy me? Are you a demon? Everyone will see this and think I'm a man! What kind of person would do this to their sister?" I said, "c'mon! you know I cannot draw! I did not draw this! This has nothing to do with you!" She finally admitted that she knew I couldn't draw and then began wailing, "why? why? why? would anyone do something so horrible to their sister? this is disgusting! why make fun of your sister like this in front of everyone?" I said, "i think she is proud of her sibling! No one will think it's you! You're not transgender! You're not turning into a man! You haven't been taking hormones for 6 years! Your name is not Tyler! WAKE THE FUCK UP FOR GOD'S SAKE! Why didn't you stay in the hospital?"
But she doesn't listen, she cannot listen! She is sick! Why the fuck doesn't anyone help her? She's in this immense amount of pain! Her bizarre ranting and insane threats are one thing, I can ignore them because I know that is the voices, that is her disease talking, but the crying and hopelessness - that is my sister! She keeps calling me because she is reaching out to me! She wants me to help her! When I am in trouble or sad she is the first person I call! When she is in trouble or sad I am the first person she calls! I know that she calls me (even when she is threatening violence) because she wants help. I cannot help her. I am not a doctor. I hang up on her when I become angry. Yelling at her won't help. She already feels absolutely lost and alone. SHE IS absolutely lost and alone. No one can reach her. No one can penetrate her delusions. They are expanding. Now they include the transistor and Heidi Blunt.
And I am just so sad. I am so bereft. It seems like she is trying so hard to save herself. She can't because she needs the right medication and therapy for that. A symptom of schizophrenia is anosognosia or a lack of insight into your condition (the belief that nothing is wrong). She left the hospital in Fargo (and all the other hospitals she's been to in the past few months) because she does not believe she is sick. She cannot advocate for herself. This is why it is important the family be involved in the treatment of their mentally ill family member.
I have a feeling the main reason she did not stay in Fargo is St. Louis County and the ACT team needed her back in their territory so they could get paid for taking care of her. What is their care plan? To move her into a group home for people with drug and alcohol addiction! My sister has a severe and persistent mental illness that has been documented for 17 years! Does she have addiction problems on the books? NO! She is in a delusion that she cannot break out of. She requires long term hospitalization. A group home does not offer therapy, contact with a doctor, or med adjustments. I know because I worked in one for 4 years. Putting Sis in a group home is the same as putting someone with cancer in an old folks home and expecting them to go into remission.
My greatest most crippling fear has always been that Sis would have a relapse. Now she has. My greatest fear has been realized. How could I know it would be worse than I could possibly imagine? The thought never crossed my mind even once that she would become sick and not receive medical treatment! Never in a million years did I think this would happen. I though we would have a difficult few weeks - not months and months of pure hell, torment, sadness, frustration and hopelessness beyond belief.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
against medical advice
The hospital in Fargo decided to hold my sister until today. She left "against medical advice." She called Dad when she was at the bus station and said, "maybe I should have stayed there." We wish she would have stayed longer. This hospital seemed to provide better care than she received in the other three hospitals she has been to in the last four months. They adjusted her meds, giving her actual clozaril -not just the generic clozapine, provided a therapist and treated her like a human. They also included us in her care a little. The therapist called us last week and allowed us to tell our story. They wanted to keep her longer but it's her right to leave. I don't know what will happen next. I don't know how she can go on like this. I just feel so bad for her. I feel like she is lost to us forever. I wish there was a way for someone to reach her.
The social worker from the hospital called me early this morning to inform me (as I am the target of her rage) that she was being released. They wanted to give me a heads up that the person who wants to cut off my left hand is on the loose.
We've been doing some research and found out that every state has their own mental health care policies. It's my sister's misfortune to live in Minnesota where they criminalize the mentally ill and make it impossible to receive enough care to recover and prevent disaster. North Dakota provides care based on need. Maybe that's why they were able to keep her for a few extra days.
They dropped her off at the bus station around 9 am. She began texting me a 1 pm: This is the last time you will ever hear from me... You might think you saved me... but I need you to know what I came to akeley for... I had the intent to break your nose and burn your lips so it looked like you had herpes the rest of your ugly life... this is not a threat... Just telling you what is up. You escaped, but if im going to jail next time you won't. Grow up.
She texted me a few more times. This is her last one: No more threats. Goodbye ugly sister. Finally, forever!!
I don't know what that means. Is she going to come get me in my sleep? Is she going to kill herself? Is she going to run away?
The social worker from the hospital called me early this morning to inform me (as I am the target of her rage) that she was being released. They wanted to give me a heads up that the person who wants to cut off my left hand is on the loose.
We've been doing some research and found out that every state has their own mental health care policies. It's my sister's misfortune to live in Minnesota where they criminalize the mentally ill and make it impossible to receive enough care to recover and prevent disaster. North Dakota provides care based on need. Maybe that's why they were able to keep her for a few extra days.
They dropped her off at the bus station around 9 am. She began texting me a 1 pm: This is the last time you will ever hear from me... You might think you saved me... but I need you to know what I came to akeley for... I had the intent to break your nose and burn your lips so it looked like you had herpes the rest of your ugly life... this is not a threat... Just telling you what is up. You escaped, but if im going to jail next time you won't. Grow up.
She texted me a few more times. This is her last one: No more threats. Goodbye ugly sister. Finally, forever!!
I don't know what that means. Is she going to come get me in my sleep? Is she going to kill herself? Is she going to run away?
Thursday, May 2, 2013
she's going to cut off my left hand
I have a lot to write. The police were called on Monday and they picked her up at the hotel she was staying at in PR. They brought her to the local hospital which does not have a behavioral unit. She was transported from there to a hospital in Fargo. We are not allowed to communicate with the staff because it would be violation of her rights. I guess they want to protect her right to be totally insane. Everyone in the mental health system is really keen on protecting the right of people with a severe and persistent mental illness to remain sick. If my sister ever recovers I do not think she will thank them for this.
Of course we did not know where she was as neither the police or the PR hospital would tell us. The ACT team also called wondering where she was. No one would talk to them either. Ha ha that's funny. I guess they know what it feels like to be shut out now. We didn't have to wait long before Sis called Dad. She wouldn't tell him where she was but thanks to caller ID we learned she was in Fargo. On Wednesday they began allowing her a few hours to have her cell phone. Who does she call immediately? Me!!!!! I didn't answer yesterday. I'm tired of this. I can't do this anymore. I can't do it, sister. I don't know how to help you. There is no help. Today she called me at 7:43 pm. I don't know why I answered. She started in right away in this spookily calm voice about how what she did to my possessions is nothing compared to what she is going to do to me. She said, "I'm going to cut off your hand if you lay a finger on R! I want your left hand, you bitch, your left hand! That is the only thing that will satisfy me!" She also went on and on about "your psychic abuse" and how she constantly hears my voice and hears R and I fucking. I'm exhausted by this delusion. I told her to tell the doctors and maybe they could stop me. I told her I had to hang up because I couldn't talk about things that were not real. I can't argue with her delusions! What is the point of that? She called back right away and said, "If you are my loving sister like you claim, you would talk about this with me. Why can't we talk this out?" Um, because it's all in your head, it's all part of your disease, it's not real? I tried to point that out but she just kept on and on until I hung up.
Then I called the hospital she's at but met with the usual (except for more forceful) "we can't talk to you, we cannot even confirm she is here" bullshit. I said, "Well, she just called me from her cell and said she was going to cut off my hand. Don't you monitor her conversations? That might be helpful. I'm a little concerned as you are releasing her tomorrow and she said she's going to cut off my hand!" The nurse said I should call the police. WTF???!!!??? I don't understand when I call Sis's health care providers to give them info about the condition they are treating her for (schizophrenia) they tell me to call the police! I pointed this out saying, "but I'm calling you because she's behaving this way because her illness is out of control. You're treating her for schizophrenia. What would the police do? How would they help? Are they doctors now, too?" She said she didn't have time to explain that to me and due to your sister's rights the medical professionals blah blah blah. I said, "I just don't get what the police will do? What will they do about my sister's delusion that I am fucking her 5 boyfriends and that we are both pregnant by all of them at the same time and because of that she's going to cut off my hand! What will the police do about that? She doesn't need to be in jail! She needs to be in the hospital!" I mean, if I call the police are they going to go to the hospital she's currently at and bring her to another hospital? Does Mental Health Care in America consist solely of 72 hour holds? Maybe they'll bring her to jail and they will cure her there? Do the police have some new technique to cure schizophrenia? I wish they would let the medical field in on it! Sister started calling me again and I began to say hysterically, "She's calling me right now! She's going to cut off my hand!" The nurse became a little more empathetic and said she would look into it.
So that's where we are. Oh, did I mention that her 72 hour hold ends tomorrow? They're releasing her tomorrow. How should I use my remaining hours with both hands?
Of course we did not know where she was as neither the police or the PR hospital would tell us. The ACT team also called wondering where she was. No one would talk to them either. Ha ha that's funny. I guess they know what it feels like to be shut out now. We didn't have to wait long before Sis called Dad. She wouldn't tell him where she was but thanks to caller ID we learned she was in Fargo. On Wednesday they began allowing her a few hours to have her cell phone. Who does she call immediately? Me!!!!! I didn't answer yesterday. I'm tired of this. I can't do this anymore. I can't do it, sister. I don't know how to help you. There is no help. Today she called me at 7:43 pm. I don't know why I answered. She started in right away in this spookily calm voice about how what she did to my possessions is nothing compared to what she is going to do to me. She said, "I'm going to cut off your hand if you lay a finger on R! I want your left hand, you bitch, your left hand! That is the only thing that will satisfy me!" She also went on and on about "your psychic abuse" and how she constantly hears my voice and hears R and I fucking. I'm exhausted by this delusion. I told her to tell the doctors and maybe they could stop me. I told her I had to hang up because I couldn't talk about things that were not real. I can't argue with her delusions! What is the point of that? She called back right away and said, "If you are my loving sister like you claim, you would talk about this with me. Why can't we talk this out?" Um, because it's all in your head, it's all part of your disease, it's not real? I tried to point that out but she just kept on and on until I hung up.
Then I called the hospital she's at but met with the usual (except for more forceful) "we can't talk to you, we cannot even confirm she is here" bullshit. I said, "Well, she just called me from her cell and said she was going to cut off my hand. Don't you monitor her conversations? That might be helpful. I'm a little concerned as you are releasing her tomorrow and she said she's going to cut off my hand!" The nurse said I should call the police. WTF???!!!??? I don't understand when I call Sis's health care providers to give them info about the condition they are treating her for (schizophrenia) they tell me to call the police! I pointed this out saying, "but I'm calling you because she's behaving this way because her illness is out of control. You're treating her for schizophrenia. What would the police do? How would they help? Are they doctors now, too?" She said she didn't have time to explain that to me and due to your sister's rights the medical professionals blah blah blah. I said, "I just don't get what the police will do? What will they do about my sister's delusion that I am fucking her 5 boyfriends and that we are both pregnant by all of them at the same time and because of that she's going to cut off my hand! What will the police do about that? She doesn't need to be in jail! She needs to be in the hospital!" I mean, if I call the police are they going to go to the hospital she's currently at and bring her to another hospital? Does Mental Health Care in America consist solely of 72 hour holds? Maybe they'll bring her to jail and they will cure her there? Do the police have some new technique to cure schizophrenia? I wish they would let the medical field in on it! Sister started calling me again and I began to say hysterically, "She's calling me right now! She's going to cut off my hand!" The nurse became a little more empathetic and said she would look into it.
So that's where we are. Oh, did I mention that her 72 hour hold ends tomorrow? They're releasing her tomorrow. How should I use my remaining hours with both hands?
Saturday, April 27, 2013
no one gets out of here alive
On Friday April 26, the first day that felt like spring, my sister jumped in her car and drove to my house. Fortunately, I wasn't home. I was at work. If I had been home I am certain she would have killed me. She took her insanity-fueled rage out on my possessions destroying nearly everything I own.
My parents and I suspected she was on her way to "burn down your house and fuck you up" as she has so often threatened. Dad warned me not to go home. He went there and somehow convinced her to go to a motel in a town 17 miles away. She left her car at the house and doesn't have an independent source of transportation so we are kinda safe for the moment. She's very intelligent and charming and could easily talk someone into driving her 17 miles to kill her family.
We are demoralized and hopeless at this point. Mom now wishes that sis will fulfill her promise to murder us because that seems to be the only way out of this nightmare. We sometimes argue about who sis gets to kill first (me first! me first! me!!!). We're tired. We don't want to do this anymore.
I am haunted by the guilt and pain inspired by the knowledge that sis would stop at nothing to save one of us! She would find a way to rescue us from madness. She would find the words, the doctor, the program, the medication to bring us back. She would always answer my phone calls no matter what insane filth i spewed at her. And I can't save her. I can't help her. The mental health care system prevents me from helping her and it prevents her from recovering. My parents and I are forced to watch and participate in her decline - unnecessary as it could be prevented if her illness was actually monitored and treated by the health care professionals who get paid to do so.
My sister would never allow me to lose 6 months of my life. My sister would never allow me to slide into madness. My sister would not allow what is happening to her to happen to me! She wouldn't! I have failed her! The mental health care system has failed her! The +ACT team has failed her! Dr. Glick has failed her! Everyone has failed her!
Hopefully she will kill me first.
My parents and I suspected she was on her way to "burn down your house and fuck you up" as she has so often threatened. Dad warned me not to go home. He went there and somehow convinced her to go to a motel in a town 17 miles away. She left her car at the house and doesn't have an independent source of transportation so we are kinda safe for the moment. She's very intelligent and charming and could easily talk someone into driving her 17 miles to kill her family.
We are demoralized and hopeless at this point. Mom now wishes that sis will fulfill her promise to murder us because that seems to be the only way out of this nightmare. We sometimes argue about who sis gets to kill first (me first! me first! me!!!). We're tired. We don't want to do this anymore.
I am haunted by the guilt and pain inspired by the knowledge that sis would stop at nothing to save one of us! She would find a way to rescue us from madness. She would find the words, the doctor, the program, the medication to bring us back. She would always answer my phone calls no matter what insane filth i spewed at her. And I can't save her. I can't help her. The mental health care system prevents me from helping her and it prevents her from recovering. My parents and I are forced to watch and participate in her decline - unnecessary as it could be prevented if her illness was actually monitored and treated by the health care professionals who get paid to do so.
My sister would never allow me to lose 6 months of my life. My sister would never allow me to slide into madness. My sister would not allow what is happening to her to happen to me! She wouldn't! I have failed her! The mental health care system has failed her! The +ACT team has failed her! Dr. Glick has failed her! Everyone has failed her!
Hopefully she will kill me first.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
it's a secret
Yesterday the hospital released my sister. They did not contact us, they just put her on a bus. I don't know if she had a coat or any money. I don't know who picked her up from the bus station. Duluth has a foot of snow courtesy of the April snow showers. How can health care professionals in good conscience release a sick person from the hospital, who is hours away from home without some kind of plan and without communicating with her family? They didn't cure her. They didn't help her. If she had cancer or was in car accident I know her family would be involved. Instead we are ignored and treated like pariahs. But who does she call as soon as she gets home? Us!
If she had a crisis on the bus she would have called us and we would have helped her out yet the health care providers do their best to keep her treatment (or non-treatment) a secret! They can't talk to us even though we are valuable resources who can provide them with her medical history. On one hand, we're not allowed access to her care while on the other hand we are responsible for her.
I don't understand why they let her out. It's tragic and unfair that she is denied care. If my sister ever receives the health care she deserves and recovers she will view all these months as wasted time, lost time. She will not thank the health care professionals who "protected her rights" and let her remain untreated. This is not the way my sister wants to live. She wants to return to college and become a productive member of society again. She does not want to be the angry, raving, vulgar, obscene creature untreated schizophrenia transforms her into. The doctors, while they may be enforcing the current law, are not acting in my sister's best interests. Their decision to release her while she is still extremely sick does not benefit my sister. All my parents and I want is my sister to recover and return to her life.
If she had a crisis on the bus she would have called us and we would have helped her out yet the health care providers do their best to keep her treatment (or non-treatment) a secret! They can't talk to us even though we are valuable resources who can provide them with her medical history. On one hand, we're not allowed access to her care while on the other hand we are responsible for her.
I don't understand why they let her out. It's tragic and unfair that she is denied care. If my sister ever receives the health care she deserves and recovers she will view all these months as wasted time, lost time. She will not thank the health care professionals who "protected her rights" and let her remain untreated. This is not the way my sister wants to live. She wants to return to college and become a productive member of society again. She does not want to be the angry, raving, vulgar, obscene creature untreated schizophrenia transforms her into. The doctors, while they may be enforcing the current law, are not acting in my sister's best interests. Their decision to release her while she is still extremely sick does not benefit my sister. All my parents and I want is my sister to recover and return to her life.
Monday, April 8, 2013
mental health crisis hotline
I did not hear from my sister for a few days. I knew she was ok (breathing but delusional) because she'd spoken with my parents. She began calling me every few minutes around 6 pm on Saturday. I was trying to sleep as I work the graveyard shift on the weekends so I did not answer. I couldn't bear to hear her abuse. Mom says that we are experiencing something similar to domestic violence - constantly berated, insulted, threatened, and terrorized by a person we have an emotional connection with. I'm reaching the point where I don't want this in my life anymore. I know she is sick and she is not in control of the things she says and does. I know her calls and texts are a cry for help. But there is no help. It is exhausting and painful to fight her and fight for her at the same time.
If I don't answer she usually gives up after a while. This time she was persistent. When I turned off my cell she began calling my home phone. Eventually, I picked up. She screamed, ranted, threatened and accused me like usual. I tried to calm her down but everything I say she argues with, even when I agree with her. I told her I wasn't going to argue about things that are not real. She said, "they're real to me, you fucking inbred bitch! They happen to me over and over!" I feel so sorry for her. But I'm used to this now. I'm unfazed by the swearing, name-calling, and insane accusations. For the most part, I am numb. It is the only way I can survive witnessing my beautiful sister's decline.
When I arrived at work I turned my phone back on hoping she would give it a rest. She called right away. When I answered resigning myself to another session of vitriol, loathing and hallucinations, I heard heartbreaking sobs. The kind of crying that signifies desperation and hopelessness. This new development terrified me! She sounded so broken I was afraid she would hurt herself. I said, "what can I do to help you? I will do anything to help you! I don't want you to suffer like this anymore!" She sobbed, "just leave me alone, stop doing what you're doing to me!" I said, "I'm not doing anything to you. It's the voices!" I started to cry and hung up. I called the mental health crisis hotline for St. Louis County. Tammy answered. I told her the situation and then she began interrogating me. She asked what I wanted done. I told her my sister needs to be hospitalized. She told me "by law she is not sick enough" for them to do anything! Not sick enough! She is sicker than she has ever been! Mental health care providers really have figured out how to avoid doing their jobs! When the mentally ill are in a health crisis they are conveniently "not sick enough" to receive care and when a tragedy occurs they are are reviled and deemed unworthy of care.
Sunday afternoon she began calling Mom. She became so wild that Mom called the Crisis Hotline. The stress, worry, dread and helplessness we have been living with for months is elephantine. She was a little hostile, and the Hotline operator hung up on her! My sister called back screeching, "listen to this my fucking bitch of a mother!" The next thing Mom heard was what sounded like everything in my sister's apartment breaking. She has been threatening to break all the windows in her apartment and slit her wrists with the glass. Mom was convinced this is what she was doing so she called 911. We've called 911 several times and they have gone over and done a safety check. This time they took my sister to the hospital.
The officer called Mom to inform her they would be taking her to St. Luke's. They called back a short time later because St. Luke's did not have any beds available and they had to transport her to St. Mary's. The nurse at St. Mary's called to get some info about my sister and told Mom they were also full and she would keep us updated about they were going to send her. Hours later they called to say they wanted to bring her to Austin, MN but could only do that if we were willing to give her a ride home! Austin is over 4 hours away from Duluth where my sister lives and 5 hours away from my parent's home. My parents agreed to pick her up when she is released.
Sister is heading to Austin. We'll see what happens there.
If I don't answer she usually gives up after a while. This time she was persistent. When I turned off my cell she began calling my home phone. Eventually, I picked up. She screamed, ranted, threatened and accused me like usual. I tried to calm her down but everything I say she argues with, even when I agree with her. I told her I wasn't going to argue about things that are not real. She said, "they're real to me, you fucking inbred bitch! They happen to me over and over!" I feel so sorry for her. But I'm used to this now. I'm unfazed by the swearing, name-calling, and insane accusations. For the most part, I am numb. It is the only way I can survive witnessing my beautiful sister's decline.
When I arrived at work I turned my phone back on hoping she would give it a rest. She called right away. When I answered resigning myself to another session of vitriol, loathing and hallucinations, I heard heartbreaking sobs. The kind of crying that signifies desperation and hopelessness. This new development terrified me! She sounded so broken I was afraid she would hurt herself. I said, "what can I do to help you? I will do anything to help you! I don't want you to suffer like this anymore!" She sobbed, "just leave me alone, stop doing what you're doing to me!" I said, "I'm not doing anything to you. It's the voices!" I started to cry and hung up. I called the mental health crisis hotline for St. Louis County. Tammy answered. I told her the situation and then she began interrogating me. She asked what I wanted done. I told her my sister needs to be hospitalized. She told me "by law she is not sick enough" for them to do anything! Not sick enough! She is sicker than she has ever been! Mental health care providers really have figured out how to avoid doing their jobs! When the mentally ill are in a health crisis they are conveniently "not sick enough" to receive care and when a tragedy occurs they are are reviled and deemed unworthy of care.
Sunday afternoon she began calling Mom. She became so wild that Mom called the Crisis Hotline. The stress, worry, dread and helplessness we have been living with for months is elephantine. She was a little hostile, and the Hotline operator hung up on her! My sister called back screeching, "listen to this my fucking bitch of a mother!" The next thing Mom heard was what sounded like everything in my sister's apartment breaking. She has been threatening to break all the windows in her apartment and slit her wrists with the glass. Mom was convinced this is what she was doing so she called 911. We've called 911 several times and they have gone over and done a safety check. This time they took my sister to the hospital.
The officer called Mom to inform her they would be taking her to St. Luke's. They called back a short time later because St. Luke's did not have any beds available and they had to transport her to St. Mary's. The nurse at St. Mary's called to get some info about my sister and told Mom they were also full and she would keep us updated about they were going to send her. Hours later they called to say they wanted to bring her to Austin, MN but could only do that if we were willing to give her a ride home! Austin is over 4 hours away from Duluth where my sister lives and 5 hours away from my parent's home. My parents agreed to pick her up when she is released.
Sister is heading to Austin. We'll see what happens there.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
why i hate everyone
I have two jobs. Yesterday at one of them after a customer came in, a colleague began talking about her. She said she "was crazy and had an outburst here ranting and raving about chem trails." Then she proceeded to say she didn't deserve to receive social security benefits even though "she's had a lot of jobs but can't keep them." From my co-worker's description of her behavior I surmise she has a mental illness. The day before at my other job a co-worker described a frequent customer as "a schizo" and described all his strange habits.This basic lack of understanding of mental illness and sympathy for a fellow human being astounds me! This is why I hate everyone.
I'm certain these people would be surprised to learn that I have a schizo in the family. I stopped telling people years ago that my sister has schizophrenia. This is not because I am ashamed or embarrassed of her, quite the contrary. I assume that all of you are ignorant, "don't believe in mental illness" and will say something callous like "she must have made lot of bad choices" that will make me want to punch you in the face. I won't resort to violence, of course, I will just consider you to be a stupid asshole from now on. I don't want the small-minded to judge, penalize, or treat my sister differently because she has schizophrenia.
If I spoke up and said, "hey, it's not right to talk like that. Schizophrenia, bipolar and depression are medical illnesses. These people have done nothing to cause their illnesses. They were dealt a bad hand by the big guy upstairs. They deserve to be treated with compassion and grace, not gossipped about. They have suffered more in their lives than you could ever imagine" what would you think of me?
I'm certain these people would be surprised to learn that I have a schizo in the family. I stopped telling people years ago that my sister has schizophrenia. This is not because I am ashamed or embarrassed of her, quite the contrary. I assume that all of you are ignorant, "don't believe in mental illness" and will say something callous like "she must have made lot of bad choices" that will make me want to punch you in the face. I won't resort to violence, of course, I will just consider you to be a stupid asshole from now on. I don't want the small-minded to judge, penalize, or treat my sister differently because she has schizophrenia.
If I spoke up and said, "hey, it's not right to talk like that. Schizophrenia, bipolar and depression are medical illnesses. These people have done nothing to cause their illnesses. They were dealt a bad hand by the big guy upstairs. They deserve to be treated with compassion and grace, not gossipped about. They have suffered more in their lives than you could ever imagine" what would you think of me?
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
wtf?
One problem that haunts my sister is drugs. She doesn't do them but the professionals always seem to want to blame everything on drug use. This has been our experience since she first became ill 17 years ago. Many times mental illness and drug use go hand in hand. This is called self-medication. People with a mental illness primarily use drugs in an attempt to normalize and diminish their symptoms. My sister does not use illicit drugs and has always been med compliant. She does like to drink but is not an alcoholic. I wish she was a junkie or a drunk. I wish she sat around all day and did meth. I truly do. Then I could let her sink or swim and blame her miserable life on her own bad choices. At least she'd be having some good times partying and I would be off the hook. Unfortunately, my sister has schizophrenia, a disease she did nothing to cause and does not deserve. I worry about her constantly and am driven to find a way to save her from the frightening and painful hallucinations that are destroying her body, mind and soul.
When my sister first began working with the +ACT Team around 10 years ago she was forced to go to chemical dependency classes. Most of the other people in the class had a mental illness. They did "therapeutic" things like watch movies featuring excessive drug use. At that time my sis was unable to watch tv or movies because "they give me messages in my mind." They watched movies like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas which is hilarious and one of my all time favorite books. However, I would never make my sister or someone suffering from delusions watch it. I don't know if the staff was trying to scare these poor, sad, vulnerable people straight, torture them or were simply lazy.
This fall when my sister was visiting she expressed frustration with the +ACT Team. She told them school was stressful as the voices were making it difficult for her to read and concentrate. She had not seen her outreach worker for weeks so called the head. Patty said, "c'mon, why don't you stop using that's the real problem, right?" My sister was baffled and asked, "using what?" Patty said, "you know, the artificial weed, the bath salts. You smoke that all the time." In Duluth The Last Place On Earth sells an artificial hallucinogenic that is similar to pot called "spice." Anyone who knows my sister knows she HATES spice! She often rants about it. Two of her good friends do smoke it as it cheaper and lasts longer than pot and can be bought at a store. Her ex-boyfriend R also smokes it. She has never tried it. She does not want her friends to smoke it because of the way the act when they under the influence of the drug. She does not believe it is safe and worries about the side-effects of long-term use. These are artificial drugs that have not been researched. No one knows what damage they could do. She was so shocked, hurt and horrified by this accusation that she didn't know what to say to Patty. Patty was her former outreach worker, the one she connected to the most, the one she felt gave her the most support. She felt betrayed and angry. She lost all the respect and trust she had for Patty.
My sister was asking for help and instead of receiving she was denied it, accused of something she did not do and made to feel as if there was nowhere to turn. The ACT Team works with my sister because she has schizophrenia, not because she is on drugs! They are getting paid by the government to provide my sister with care for mental illness, not because she abuses drugs or alcohol! When my sister desperately opens up about the voices and requests help she is deflected by a stupid and groundless accusation! The ACT Team routinely uses excuses to avoid providing care to their clients.
When my sister first began working with the +ACT Team around 10 years ago she was forced to go to chemical dependency classes. Most of the other people in the class had a mental illness. They did "therapeutic" things like watch movies featuring excessive drug use. At that time my sis was unable to watch tv or movies because "they give me messages in my mind." They watched movies like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas which is hilarious and one of my all time favorite books. However, I would never make my sister or someone suffering from delusions watch it. I don't know if the staff was trying to scare these poor, sad, vulnerable people straight, torture them or were simply lazy.
This fall when my sister was visiting she expressed frustration with the +ACT Team. She told them school was stressful as the voices were making it difficult for her to read and concentrate. She had not seen her outreach worker for weeks so called the head. Patty said, "c'mon, why don't you stop using that's the real problem, right?" My sister was baffled and asked, "using what?" Patty said, "you know, the artificial weed, the bath salts. You smoke that all the time." In Duluth The Last Place On Earth sells an artificial hallucinogenic that is similar to pot called "spice." Anyone who knows my sister knows she HATES spice! She often rants about it. Two of her good friends do smoke it as it cheaper and lasts longer than pot and can be bought at a store. Her ex-boyfriend R also smokes it. She has never tried it. She does not want her friends to smoke it because of the way the act when they under the influence of the drug. She does not believe it is safe and worries about the side-effects of long-term use. These are artificial drugs that have not been researched. No one knows what damage they could do. She was so shocked, hurt and horrified by this accusation that she didn't know what to say to Patty. Patty was her former outreach worker, the one she connected to the most, the one she felt gave her the most support. She felt betrayed and angry. She lost all the respect and trust she had for Patty.
My sister was asking for help and instead of receiving she was denied it, accused of something she did not do and made to feel as if there was nowhere to turn. The ACT Team works with my sister because she has schizophrenia, not because she is on drugs! They are getting paid by the government to provide my sister with care for mental illness, not because she abuses drugs or alcohol! When my sister desperately opens up about the voices and requests help she is deflected by a stupid and groundless accusation! The ACT Team routinely uses excuses to avoid providing care to their clients.
i love my sister
My sister is the best person I know. She is kind to everyone and never discriminates or passes judgement. She is generous, gentle, fun-loving, and altruistic. She is extremely intelligent and artistic. She is the person everyone calls when they need help, are depressed, or need a little tlc. She is friendly and supportive to the disenfranchised. She is great in a crisis and always willing to listen or lend a hand. She loves music and is an excellent dancer.
My sister makes sure her friends (most of which are mentally ill) go to their appointments and gives them a ride to the doctor. It is ironic that a person so adamant and dedicated to ensuring others receive medical attention is denied it.
It pisses me off that I feel as if I have to convince people I reach out to for help that my sister is worthy of saving! She is not a degnerate. She has a life. She did nothing this cause this disease. She deserves to be treated. She deserves to recover. If she had any other illness she would have immediate sympathy! If she had any other illness we would not have to beg the people who get paid to provide care to actually do their job!
My sister makes sure her friends (most of which are mentally ill) go to their appointments and gives them a ride to the doctor. It is ironic that a person so adamant and dedicated to ensuring others receive medical attention is denied it.
It pisses me off that I feel as if I have to convince people I reach out to for help that my sister is worthy of saving! She is not a degnerate. She has a life. She did nothing this cause this disease. She deserves to be treated. She deserves to recover. If she had any other illness she would have immediate sympathy! If she had any other illness we would not have to beg the people who get paid to provide care to actually do their job!
Monday, April 1, 2013
unhappy easter
Dear Sister,
I miss you so much! You should have been with us on Easter! We need you! Please come back to us!
I made your Glazed Carrots with Sage. It turned out ok but was not as good as yours.
I don't know what to do anymore. I leave my phone off so I don't have to talk to you or read your texts. I don't answer the phone when you call. The rare occasions I do, I resolve to NEVER do it again! There is no point in listening to your insults, obscenities and bizarre accusations. If listening to you scream gave you peace for a few minutes I would do it. I would do it! I would subject myself to any kind of pain to give you some relief! But talking to you seems to make you worse and it makes gives the voices and your delusions more power. You get angry if I agree with you and you get angry if I don't. I can no longer tolerate your phone calls. They are breaking me! They are killing me!
I feel so guilty that I cannot help you. I will never recover from the guilt of leaving you alone in the dark, lonely world of schizophrenia. I know that if circumstances were reversed you would never give up on me, you would answer your phone no matter what. You would save me.
I miss you so much! You should have been with us on Easter! We need you! Please come back to us!
I made your Glazed Carrots with Sage. It turned out ok but was not as good as yours.
I don't know what to do anymore. I leave my phone off so I don't have to talk to you or read your texts. I don't answer the phone when you call. The rare occasions I do, I resolve to NEVER do it again! There is no point in listening to your insults, obscenities and bizarre accusations. If listening to you scream gave you peace for a few minutes I would do it. I would do it! I would subject myself to any kind of pain to give you some relief! But talking to you seems to make you worse and it makes gives the voices and your delusions more power. You get angry if I agree with you and you get angry if I don't. I can no longer tolerate your phone calls. They are breaking me! They are killing me!
I feel so guilty that I cannot help you. I will never recover from the guilt of leaving you alone in the dark, lonely world of schizophrenia. I know that if circumstances were reversed you would never give up on me, you would answer your phone no matter what. You would save me.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
what fresh hell is this?
Last week my sister asked S to bring her to the Wellstone Recovery Center. My parents and I were cautiously hopeful.
She began calling Dad on the 2nd day, demanding that he come get her. Dad spoke with the staff at the Wellstone Center but since she is an adult they could not give him much information as that would be a violation of her privacy - the usual bullshit we run into. We can provide details about her illness that would be helpful in treating her. She relies upon us to help her financially and emotionally. They did reveal that she would not attend group therapy sessions. The Wellstone Recovery Center is a facility for the mentally ill and for addicts. Could her reluctance to attend group therapy stem from the fact that drug addicts will not understand or believe she hears voices? Is it beneficial for people with schizophrenia to participate in group? In the Quiet Room Lori Schiller writes that the voices told her they would force her to hurt herself and anyone else she told about them. It's like Fight Club - the first rule about the voices is that you don't talk about the voices, the 2nd rule about the voices... The voices have swallowed my sister's mind. They are more real to her than anything else. The voices are her only reality.
I don't intend to criticize the Wellstone Center. It was a nice 5-day break for me. She didn't bring her phone with her so she didn't call or text me for 5 blessed days! They were the best days of my life, I felt like I was on vacation! I didn't have to worry about her because she was being taken care of.
Dad picked her up on Monday. As soon as she arrived home she began calling me. She asked in a dead voice if I was happy that she had brain damage and was paralyzed and couldn't turn her neck or move her body. Apparently they gave her a medication that doesn't mix with the ones she already takes and was experiencing side effects.
The Wellstone Center created a care plan to give to the ACT Team. My Dad intended to spend the night at her apartment but she became psychotic and kicked him out. He stayed in a hotel while she made shrieking, threatening, abusive phone calls to my mom and I all night long.
On Tuesday Dad convinced my sister to go see the ACT Team but they were in a meeting and asked them to come back later. The ACT Team has to buzz you in and when they returned no one answered, no one let them in! What kind of care is this? If the ACT Team is not going to do their jobs they should remove my sister's name from their books and stop being paid for her care! They have not provided proper care since she relapsed and now they are scrambling to figure out how to cover their asses.
She began calling Dad on the 2nd day, demanding that he come get her. Dad spoke with the staff at the Wellstone Center but since she is an adult they could not give him much information as that would be a violation of her privacy - the usual bullshit we run into. We can provide details about her illness that would be helpful in treating her. She relies upon us to help her financially and emotionally. They did reveal that she would not attend group therapy sessions. The Wellstone Recovery Center is a facility for the mentally ill and for addicts. Could her reluctance to attend group therapy stem from the fact that drug addicts will not understand or believe she hears voices? Is it beneficial for people with schizophrenia to participate in group? In the Quiet Room Lori Schiller writes that the voices told her they would force her to hurt herself and anyone else she told about them. It's like Fight Club - the first rule about the voices is that you don't talk about the voices, the 2nd rule about the voices... The voices have swallowed my sister's mind. They are more real to her than anything else. The voices are her only reality.
I don't intend to criticize the Wellstone Center. It was a nice 5-day break for me. She didn't bring her phone with her so she didn't call or text me for 5 blessed days! They were the best days of my life, I felt like I was on vacation! I didn't have to worry about her because she was being taken care of.
Dad picked her up on Monday. As soon as she arrived home she began calling me. She asked in a dead voice if I was happy that she had brain damage and was paralyzed and couldn't turn her neck or move her body. Apparently they gave her a medication that doesn't mix with the ones she already takes and was experiencing side effects.
The Wellstone Center created a care plan to give to the ACT Team. My Dad intended to spend the night at her apartment but she became psychotic and kicked him out. He stayed in a hotel while she made shrieking, threatening, abusive phone calls to my mom and I all night long.
On Tuesday Dad convinced my sister to go see the ACT Team but they were in a meeting and asked them to come back later. The ACT Team has to buzz you in and when they returned no one answered, no one let them in! What kind of care is this? If the ACT Team is not going to do their jobs they should remove my sister's name from their books and stop being paid for her care! They have not provided proper care since she relapsed and now they are scrambling to figure out how to cover their asses.
Monday, March 25, 2013
it must be winter in my heart
I do not want the snow to melt. I agree with my colleagues and customers at work when they complain about the amount of snow we have and the chilly weather. But, secretly, I never want spring to come. My sister does not drive long distances at night or in the winter. The snow is the only thing that has been keeping us safe. When it melts 140 miles will not seem like a very long distance to drive at all.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
how to talk to the delusional
The title implies that I know how to talk to someone who is delusional. I don't. I wish I did.
This is a typical conversation with my sister who calls my parents and I several times a day:
sister: Hi, you fat ugly cunt, I hope you like babysitting R! You are the grossest person I know! How can you be my sister?!!?
me: Hi, I don't know what you are talking about.
sister: Yeah, right! How did you get to be such a fucking ugly disgusting blimp of a bitch?
me: I don't have to listen to you talk to me like this.
sister: Don't you fucking hang up on me! You can turn me off but I can't turn you off, you bitch! Do you think that's fair? How is that fair? Why do I deserve this?
me: It's not fair. I am so sorry you are going through this.
sister: You are not sorry! You did this! You ruined my life! I don't know how anyone can stand you, inbred bitch! You ruined my career! I am pregnant with R's baby and you fuck him!
me: I don't know R! I don't want to know him! I haven't done anything to you!
sister: But you will, you gross fucking cunt! You will! You do it to me every day and then you laugh about it! You're going to get what you deserve, you ugly disgusting pig bitch!
me: This is not real! Please go to the hospital! This is not real!
sister: You go to the hospital, you fat fucking inbred! You are doing this! You have been psychically abusing me for months! Leave me the fuck alone!
me: I want to but you keep calling me! I'm not psychically abusing you - that is not a real thing!
sister: Yes, you fucking are! You don't stop even though I beg you! What kind of cunt does what you have done? What kind of auntie are you going to be, you inbred pig? Or are my kids going to call you stepmom?
me: I guess I'll be an imaginary aunt to your imaginary children.
What am I supposed to say to her? I can't humor her. I can't say I've done things I have not done. I have tried apologizing but that doesn't appease her. Her insane, vicious, vindictive, hate-filled voice terrifies me and breaks my heart. No one should have to endure the torture she is going through. No one should have to listen to the horrible things she screeches at us. My parents always say, "I love you. You will always be my daughter." That just makes her angrier. She gets so upset we are afraid she will have a heart attack.
How do you break a delusion? Yelling, "None of this is real! Go to the hospital! You are really sick!" does not help. How can we wake her up and get her back. None of us can go on like this much longer. My sister has a life to get back to!
We have learned from NAMI and from our own experience over the years that you cannot reason someone with schizophrenia out of a delusion. It does not work. If you argue with them you become enmeshed in their delusion. But we cannot just agree with her, either. We cannot support her madness. So how do you talk to someone stuck in a delusion?
This is a typical conversation with my sister who calls my parents and I several times a day:
sister: Hi, you fat ugly cunt, I hope you like babysitting R! You are the grossest person I know! How can you be my sister?!!?
me: Hi, I don't know what you are talking about.
sister: Yeah, right! How did you get to be such a fucking ugly disgusting blimp of a bitch?
me: I don't have to listen to you talk to me like this.
sister: Don't you fucking hang up on me! You can turn me off but I can't turn you off, you bitch! Do you think that's fair? How is that fair? Why do I deserve this?
me: It's not fair. I am so sorry you are going through this.
sister: You are not sorry! You did this! You ruined my life! I don't know how anyone can stand you, inbred bitch! You ruined my career! I am pregnant with R's baby and you fuck him!
me: I don't know R! I don't want to know him! I haven't done anything to you!
sister: But you will, you gross fucking cunt! You will! You do it to me every day and then you laugh about it! You're going to get what you deserve, you ugly disgusting pig bitch!
me: This is not real! Please go to the hospital! This is not real!
sister: You go to the hospital, you fat fucking inbred! You are doing this! You have been psychically abusing me for months! Leave me the fuck alone!
me: I want to but you keep calling me! I'm not psychically abusing you - that is not a real thing!
sister: Yes, you fucking are! You don't stop even though I beg you! What kind of cunt does what you have done? What kind of auntie are you going to be, you inbred pig? Or are my kids going to call you stepmom?
me: I guess I'll be an imaginary aunt to your imaginary children.
What am I supposed to say to her? I can't humor her. I can't say I've done things I have not done. I have tried apologizing but that doesn't appease her. Her insane, vicious, vindictive, hate-filled voice terrifies me and breaks my heart. No one should have to endure the torture she is going through. No one should have to listen to the horrible things she screeches at us. My parents always say, "I love you. You will always be my daughter." That just makes her angrier. She gets so upset we are afraid she will have a heart attack.
How do you break a delusion? Yelling, "None of this is real! Go to the hospital! You are really sick!" does not help. How can we wake her up and get her back. None of us can go on like this much longer. My sister has a life to get back to!
We have learned from NAMI and from our own experience over the years that you cannot reason someone with schizophrenia out of a delusion. It does not work. If you argue with them you become enmeshed in their delusion. But we cannot just agree with her, either. We cannot support her madness. So how do you talk to someone stuck in a delusion?
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
please help
I wish I had started to write this blog months ago when my sister's relapse began. I had more energy and hope then. I am exhausted, pessimistic, angry and bone-weary of my sister's schizophrenia. It is killing my parents. My sister and her illness occupy all their time and use up what little money they have. My father has aged 20 years in the past few months and the constant worry about my sister has caused his alcoholism to become worse. My mother is heartsick and desperate to help her daughter, she repeats "our lives are ruined." I have lost my best friend, partner in crime, confidant and sister. My sister is going through more mental, emotional and spiritual torment than anyone should have to endure in a lifetime. Schizophrenia has gutted all of our lives.
My sister has suffered from schizophrenia for nearly 18 years. This is well-documented in her medical records. A few years ago before she was prescribed Clozapine, a medication that gave her back her life, she had an episode at a friend's house. He called the police on her and they peppersprayed, handcuffed and dragged her to jail. She eventually ended up in the Behavioral Unit at Miller-Dwan. We did not know where she was for 3 days. We called all of her friends, the police and every hospital in Duluth. The police and hospitals said they had no information. We were worried someone had hurt her. The police and the hospital knew where she was all along but did not tell us to protect her privacy! We are her family and her caretakers! Because she was an adult we had no rights or say in her care. We are her advocates, we are the only ones who know her and what her normal is. The result of this experience is that my sister signed papers to give my parents the right to have access to her medical care. They go to her doctor appointments with her. My parents are my sister's greatest source of strength, support and encouragement. Without them she would not be as highly functioning as she has been. She revoked those rights when she had a psychotic break in December. This is the time when she needs us to advocate for her and make certain she receives proper care. She is too sick to ask for help on her own. We are powerless. The doctors and the ACT (Assertive Community Treatment) team will not talk to us because it would violate my sister's privacy. They do not realize how sick she is. They do not understand that my sister's shutting her family out is an indication that her illness is getting worse.
We contacted the ACT team in December when we realized that my sister was extremely sick and needed to be hospitalized. They said there was nothing they could do right now but when she tries to commit suicide, hurts someone, gets evicted, has her car repossessed, drops out of school, in short when her life has completely fallen apart they would "be happy to help her and she will need a lot of help then." Why would we wait until everything she has worked so hard to obtain is gone? Who benefits from that? Not my sister! Maybe the ACT team because they will have a lot to do.
Schizophrenia is a no-fault medical illness. My sister did not cause this disease. She needs medical attention but it is denied her because the mental health system in this country is broken. Previously, when my sister's symptoms began to overwhelm her she would go to the Bridge House for a few days or a week. She felt safe there and could get help right away if she needed it. The Bridge House was permanently closed this summer. If it was open her plummet into insanity could have been prevented.
My parents and I have spent countless hours begging people to help my sister. Here is a partial list:
-the ACT team including her psychiatrist - useless
-the police - useless
-+NAMI - sympathetic but nothing they can do
-+NARSAD - useless
-Miller-Dwan - useless
-St. Luke's - nothing they can do
-Al Franken - his representative who responded quickly suggested the United Way
-the United Way - useless
-Amy Klobuchar - no response
-WCCO - no response
-the Mobile Crisis Unit - they have checked on her several times and will transport her to the hospital upon her request but she is too sick to ask for help
-the +Wellstone Center - she must go there voluntarily
The problem is that when someone is having a mental health crisis they are unable to seek help. They are lost in a nightmare, they cannot tell what is real and what is not. They are denied medical care if they do not demand it and even then they may be turned away, they may not be considered "sick enough." Imagine if you had cancer and were not allowed medical treatment until your case was terminal. My sister's case has been terminal for months and we are not able to get her the medical care she needs and deserves!
My sister has suffered from schizophrenia for nearly 18 years. This is well-documented in her medical records. A few years ago before she was prescribed Clozapine, a medication that gave her back her life, she had an episode at a friend's house. He called the police on her and they peppersprayed, handcuffed and dragged her to jail. She eventually ended up in the Behavioral Unit at Miller-Dwan. We did not know where she was for 3 days. We called all of her friends, the police and every hospital in Duluth. The police and hospitals said they had no information. We were worried someone had hurt her. The police and the hospital knew where she was all along but did not tell us to protect her privacy! We are her family and her caretakers! Because she was an adult we had no rights or say in her care. We are her advocates, we are the only ones who know her and what her normal is. The result of this experience is that my sister signed papers to give my parents the right to have access to her medical care. They go to her doctor appointments with her. My parents are my sister's greatest source of strength, support and encouragement. Without them she would not be as highly functioning as she has been. She revoked those rights when she had a psychotic break in December. This is the time when she needs us to advocate for her and make certain she receives proper care. She is too sick to ask for help on her own. We are powerless. The doctors and the ACT (Assertive Community Treatment) team will not talk to us because it would violate my sister's privacy. They do not realize how sick she is. They do not understand that my sister's shutting her family out is an indication that her illness is getting worse.
We contacted the ACT team in December when we realized that my sister was extremely sick and needed to be hospitalized. They said there was nothing they could do right now but when she tries to commit suicide, hurts someone, gets evicted, has her car repossessed, drops out of school, in short when her life has completely fallen apart they would "be happy to help her and she will need a lot of help then." Why would we wait until everything she has worked so hard to obtain is gone? Who benefits from that? Not my sister! Maybe the ACT team because they will have a lot to do.
Schizophrenia is a no-fault medical illness. My sister did not cause this disease. She needs medical attention but it is denied her because the mental health system in this country is broken. Previously, when my sister's symptoms began to overwhelm her she would go to the Bridge House for a few days or a week. She felt safe there and could get help right away if she needed it. The Bridge House was permanently closed this summer. If it was open her plummet into insanity could have been prevented.
My parents and I have spent countless hours begging people to help my sister. Here is a partial list:
-the ACT team including her psychiatrist - useless
-the police - useless
-+NAMI - sympathetic but nothing they can do
-+NARSAD - useless
-Miller-Dwan - useless
-St. Luke's - nothing they can do
-Al Franken - his representative who responded quickly suggested the United Way
-the United Way - useless
-Amy Klobuchar - no response
-WCCO - no response
-the Mobile Crisis Unit - they have checked on her several times and will transport her to the hospital upon her request but she is too sick to ask for help
-the +Wellstone Center - she must go there voluntarily
The problem is that when someone is having a mental health crisis they are unable to seek help. They are lost in a nightmare, they cannot tell what is real and what is not. They are denied medical care if they do not demand it and even then they may be turned away, they may not be considered "sick enough." Imagine if you had cancer and were not allowed medical treatment until your case was terminal. My sister's case has been terminal for months and we are not able to get her the medical care she needs and deserves!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
the delusion
Well, she's still alive. She is calling and texting me all the time. Here are a few texts:
When he breaks my arm im gonna break your fucking face.
When he gets me pregnant I will fist fuck you.
When he fucks you I will burn your face off.
I don't respond to these texts. They have nothing to do with me. They are part of her delusion. I am not offended by them. They are a way to gauge the progression of her illness.
In the summer of 2012 my sister's behavior began to change. I was worried. I told my parents about it and they could see a difference in her and were subjected to some outbursts. She would text our brother terrible things from time to time. Things were the same between her and I for the most part. She's my best friend. We spoke on the phone at least twice a day and I would often visit her for the weekend. In the fall she stopped answering my calls. When she did she was hostile and said things that were out of character. My sister has been doing so well for the past few years! My parents and I could not face her disease overwhelming her (and us) again and we ignored the early warning signs and let her illness get out of control.
On Dec 15, she texted me, "So sister are you going to have a pig with R??? You are disgusting." I had no idea what she meant. I thought she was joking. What did she mean by asking if i was going to have a pig with her boyfriend? I could not fathom what that could possibly mean. It took me days to realize by pig she meant baby.
When she called me a few minutes later screaming with so much rage her voice was barely recognizable and nearly incomprehensible I began to realize how extremely sick she was. I was shocked. We hadn't been talking much. That hurt me but I was trying to do whatever was best for her. Lately, it seemed like talking to me upset her. She was taking difficult nursing classes and I was giving her space. I want her to do well in school. I knew she was having problems. I didn't know how to help her and when I told my parents my fears of her having a relapse they didn't want to contemplate that possibility.
The main symptom of schizophrenia is hearing voices. While medication helps to lessen the voices and allows my sister to control her reaction to them the voices have never gone away. Sometimes they attack her and she screams at them. I've learned from years of experience that if I try to intervene or calm her down, the episode will last longer and I will become part of her delusion. When I visit her and she has an episode I let her cry and scream. When she's done we go on with our day. I have been waiting since Dec 15, 2012 11:54am to go on with my day.
My sister has been utterly lost in a sad and terrifying world where everyone hurts and betrays her since then. In her delusion she is pregnant with R's baby and I am also pregnant by him. Sometimes she believes she is pregnant with 3 babies by 3 different men and that I am too. She is enraged that I would have sex with her boyfriend(s). The voices say cruel things to her. Sometimes they say that they are me or mom or dad. They are more real to her than we are. The voices are her reality now. She is trapped in a nightmare. My parents and I trapped in it with her.
Whenever I tell anyone this, they inevitably ask, "did you have sex with her boyfriend?" The answer is NO! I would never do that.
Another aspect of her delusion is that the she believes that our parents have chosen to support me instead of her. She feels deeply betrayed and abandoned by them. If any of this had happened in real life she would at some point get over it. But she can't get over something that is not real and has not happened. For her it is always happening, it is happening over and over and over. She keeps feeling the same torment and pain over and over. If your sister became pregnant by your boyfriend while you were pregnant, you would be understandably pissed off. You would probably call her up and bitch her out. If your parents took her side you would probably call them up and bitch them out. What if you were caught in a loop where this happened to you every day? What if when you called your sister to talk it over she doesn't apologize she says, "this isn't real! This hasn't happened! This will not happen! I am not pregnant! You are not pregnant! I don't even know R!" but you know for sure that it will happen? Wouldn't that enrage and frustrate you?
When I point out that I do not know R or want to know him sister says, "you will, you fat fucking cunt! You are going to fuck him in the future, you stupid ugly fake feminist! I KNOW THE FUTURE!!!!!" Sometimes when she hisses this at me I laugh a little. It's not funny. It's tragic. But it is a really bizarre experience to have my beloved sister insult me and berate me and yell at me for something that has not happened and could never happen but that she believes will happen because she can see into the future! It is so ridiculous I have to laugh to keep from screaming.
What would you do if your sister called you out of the blue and accused you of having an affair with her boyfriend/husband and told you that the next time she saw you she was going to fuck up your face, bitch? What would you do if she kept accusing you of this for months and said she was going to kill you for ruining her life and taking away her family?
When he breaks my arm im gonna break your fucking face.
When he gets me pregnant I will fist fuck you.
When he fucks you I will burn your face off.
I don't respond to these texts. They have nothing to do with me. They are part of her delusion. I am not offended by them. They are a way to gauge the progression of her illness.
In the summer of 2012 my sister's behavior began to change. I was worried. I told my parents about it and they could see a difference in her and were subjected to some outbursts. She would text our brother terrible things from time to time. Things were the same between her and I for the most part. She's my best friend. We spoke on the phone at least twice a day and I would often visit her for the weekend. In the fall she stopped answering my calls. When she did she was hostile and said things that were out of character. My sister has been doing so well for the past few years! My parents and I could not face her disease overwhelming her (and us) again and we ignored the early warning signs and let her illness get out of control.
On Dec 15, she texted me, "So sister are you going to have a pig with R??? You are disgusting." I had no idea what she meant. I thought she was joking. What did she mean by asking if i was going to have a pig with her boyfriend? I could not fathom what that could possibly mean. It took me days to realize by pig she meant baby.
When she called me a few minutes later screaming with so much rage her voice was barely recognizable and nearly incomprehensible I began to realize how extremely sick she was. I was shocked. We hadn't been talking much. That hurt me but I was trying to do whatever was best for her. Lately, it seemed like talking to me upset her. She was taking difficult nursing classes and I was giving her space. I want her to do well in school. I knew she was having problems. I didn't know how to help her and when I told my parents my fears of her having a relapse they didn't want to contemplate that possibility.
The main symptom of schizophrenia is hearing voices. While medication helps to lessen the voices and allows my sister to control her reaction to them the voices have never gone away. Sometimes they attack her and she screams at them. I've learned from years of experience that if I try to intervene or calm her down, the episode will last longer and I will become part of her delusion. When I visit her and she has an episode I let her cry and scream. When she's done we go on with our day. I have been waiting since Dec 15, 2012 11:54am to go on with my day.
My sister has been utterly lost in a sad and terrifying world where everyone hurts and betrays her since then. In her delusion she is pregnant with R's baby and I am also pregnant by him. Sometimes she believes she is pregnant with 3 babies by 3 different men and that I am too. She is enraged that I would have sex with her boyfriend(s). The voices say cruel things to her. Sometimes they say that they are me or mom or dad. They are more real to her than we are. The voices are her reality now. She is trapped in a nightmare. My parents and I trapped in it with her.
Whenever I tell anyone this, they inevitably ask, "did you have sex with her boyfriend?" The answer is NO! I would never do that.
Another aspect of her delusion is that the she believes that our parents have chosen to support me instead of her. She feels deeply betrayed and abandoned by them. If any of this had happened in real life she would at some point get over it. But she can't get over something that is not real and has not happened. For her it is always happening, it is happening over and over and over. She keeps feeling the same torment and pain over and over. If your sister became pregnant by your boyfriend while you were pregnant, you would be understandably pissed off. You would probably call her up and bitch her out. If your parents took her side you would probably call them up and bitch them out. What if you were caught in a loop where this happened to you every day? What if when you called your sister to talk it over she doesn't apologize she says, "this isn't real! This hasn't happened! This will not happen! I am not pregnant! You are not pregnant! I don't even know R!" but you know for sure that it will happen? Wouldn't that enrage and frustrate you?
When I point out that I do not know R or want to know him sister says, "you will, you fat fucking cunt! You are going to fuck him in the future, you stupid ugly fake feminist! I KNOW THE FUTURE!!!!!" Sometimes when she hisses this at me I laugh a little. It's not funny. It's tragic. But it is a really bizarre experience to have my beloved sister insult me and berate me and yell at me for something that has not happened and could never happen but that she believes will happen because she can see into the future! It is so ridiculous I have to laugh to keep from screaming.
What would you do if your sister called you out of the blue and accused you of having an affair with her boyfriend/husband and told you that the next time she saw you she was going to fuck up your face, bitch? What would you do if she kept accusing you of this for months and said she was going to kill you for ruining her life and taking away her family?
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
death and the devil
This is a blog about my sister's struggle with schizophrenia. I will warn you at the outset that it is not going to be uplifting. It is not going to be hopeful. It is going to be desperate and tragic and full of rage.
My sister was diagnosed with schizophrenia 17 years ago. She has had many ups and downs but in recent years she has been doing well. She had a good job and went back to school. But last year was difficult as her best friend passed away and she had a series of personal setbacks. She suffered a total relapse a few months ago. She has been trapped in a terrifying delusional world ever since.
That is enough history for now. I'm just going to jump into the events of the past few days.
Her disease has progressed to the point that my parents and I have very little hope that she will survive much longer. She seemed to have a brief period remission in recent weeks but for the past 2 days she has been in a full-blown psychotic episode. She calls and texts my parents and I constantly. She threatens, bullies, and abuses us. Today she told my mother that she is going, "to rape that fucking ugly cunt {me} with a knife and a gun," and, "I am going to stab her to death," and, "I fantasize about drowning you in the lake." We are pretty immune to the things she says. She constantly swears at us and calls us names (this is behaviour she would never engage in when she is well) and tells me to kill myself all the time. But these new violent threats signify a serious progression of her illness. I have been the major focus of her delusions but my mother and brother are also targets of her wrath. Our father has been her main support and contact person. Yesterday she began calling dad "a fucking bitch," and "a fucking disgusting cunt." Now she is truly alone and has no one she trusts or can talk to. She has no link to the real world.
We are terrified that these changes in her illness signify that she is going to commit suicide or worse. My parents called the ACT team (more about the "people who get paid anyway" in future posts) whom Sis has worked with for the past 10 years and begged them to do something, to get her to the hospital and they said call the police. They have washed their hands of her and us. We did call the police a few months ago and Sis was hospitalized for 72 hours. In that time which in reality was 4 days as it was a weekend, she saw a pychaitrist and a psychologist for a total of 20 minutes. That was it. When she was released there was no plan, no after care, nothing. She was sicker when she got out than when she went in. Those with the best days in our lives in recent memory because we did not have to fear that she was dead.
Today my parents called our local police officer and set up a meeting with him to discuss options. She cannot be allowed to go on this. It is inhumane to allow a sick person to live for months untreated, without medical care. Schizophrenia is a no-fault medical disease. The police officer called the Duluth police. They went over to her apartment. S, the mother of my sister's friend who passed was at her house as my father had called her and informed her that sis was having an extremely difficult time. We do not want to involve the police because we do not believe all of them are trained to deal with the mentally ill. We are afraid the police will shoot her. We are afraid the situation will escalate because she is completely fucking insane and self-destructive right now. My father called S in the hopes that she could diffuse the situation if it became dangerous. She did, alright! She told the police there was nothing the matter. They believed her and left. Then S left. Now my sister is in a pychotic rage and all alone.
Meanwhile, my parents were subjected to a sermon by the police officer who seemed so nice and helpful. A sermon! Complete with a bible! He said, "It's the devil! I can prove it! It says blah blah blah right here! If you would only go to church and not on Sunday, on Saturday!" For real! He said that! He's not even the regular kind of crazy Christian, he's the weird go to church on Saturday kind of crazy Christian! When my parents told me this and the tears of frustration and hopelessness had passed mom said, "He seemed so nice, I was shocked when he turned out to be crazy!" I said, " Ha! You're one to talk - you are a life-long member of the church of crazy!" She said through peals of laughter, "Well, you're the pope of the church of crazy!" Gallows humor is the only kind we have left. All of my smiles died in December.
Now Sis is in a life or death crisis and there is NO ONE to call. We have already called everyone imaginable weeks and months ago. We were met with brick walls, silence, excuses. No help. No hope. No medical attention for a person with a long-term medical condition. We have not heard from her for over an hour. We needed a break. We needed a rest. We think we should call her. But we can't bear to hear her insane, accusatory voice - full of vitriol, pure hate and psychosis. We fear her silence means her illness has become terminal. Her doctor told us a few months ago we should be grateful that her illness is not terminal. But he was wrong. It is terminal. It has killed my family. It has killed every good thing in my sister's life. It has killed my parents. Will it finally kill my sister tonight? Does silence equal death?
My sister was diagnosed with schizophrenia 17 years ago. She has had many ups and downs but in recent years she has been doing well. She had a good job and went back to school. But last year was difficult as her best friend passed away and she had a series of personal setbacks. She suffered a total relapse a few months ago. She has been trapped in a terrifying delusional world ever since.
That is enough history for now. I'm just going to jump into the events of the past few days.
Her disease has progressed to the point that my parents and I have very little hope that she will survive much longer. She seemed to have a brief period remission in recent weeks but for the past 2 days she has been in a full-blown psychotic episode. She calls and texts my parents and I constantly. She threatens, bullies, and abuses us. Today she told my mother that she is going, "to rape that fucking ugly cunt {me} with a knife and a gun," and, "I am going to stab her to death," and, "I fantasize about drowning you in the lake." We are pretty immune to the things she says. She constantly swears at us and calls us names (this is behaviour she would never engage in when she is well) and tells me to kill myself all the time. But these new violent threats signify a serious progression of her illness. I have been the major focus of her delusions but my mother and brother are also targets of her wrath. Our father has been her main support and contact person. Yesterday she began calling dad "a fucking bitch," and "a fucking disgusting cunt." Now she is truly alone and has no one she trusts or can talk to. She has no link to the real world.
We are terrified that these changes in her illness signify that she is going to commit suicide or worse. My parents called the ACT team (more about the "people who get paid anyway" in future posts) whom Sis has worked with for the past 10 years and begged them to do something, to get her to the hospital and they said call the police. They have washed their hands of her and us. We did call the police a few months ago and Sis was hospitalized for 72 hours. In that time which in reality was 4 days as it was a weekend, she saw a pychaitrist and a psychologist for a total of 20 minutes. That was it. When she was released there was no plan, no after care, nothing. She was sicker when she got out than when she went in. Those with the best days in our lives in recent memory because we did not have to fear that she was dead.
Today my parents called our local police officer and set up a meeting with him to discuss options. She cannot be allowed to go on this. It is inhumane to allow a sick person to live for months untreated, without medical care. Schizophrenia is a no-fault medical disease. The police officer called the Duluth police. They went over to her apartment. S, the mother of my sister's friend who passed was at her house as my father had called her and informed her that sis was having an extremely difficult time. We do not want to involve the police because we do not believe all of them are trained to deal with the mentally ill. We are afraid the police will shoot her. We are afraid the situation will escalate because she is completely fucking insane and self-destructive right now. My father called S in the hopes that she could diffuse the situation if it became dangerous. She did, alright! She told the police there was nothing the matter. They believed her and left. Then S left. Now my sister is in a pychotic rage and all alone.
Meanwhile, my parents were subjected to a sermon by the police officer who seemed so nice and helpful. A sermon! Complete with a bible! He said, "It's the devil! I can prove it! It says blah blah blah right here! If you would only go to church and not on Sunday, on Saturday!" For real! He said that! He's not even the regular kind of crazy Christian, he's the weird go to church on Saturday kind of crazy Christian! When my parents told me this and the tears of frustration and hopelessness had passed mom said, "He seemed so nice, I was shocked when he turned out to be crazy!" I said, " Ha! You're one to talk - you are a life-long member of the church of crazy!" She said through peals of laughter, "Well, you're the pope of the church of crazy!" Gallows humor is the only kind we have left. All of my smiles died in December.
Now Sis is in a life or death crisis and there is NO ONE to call. We have already called everyone imaginable weeks and months ago. We were met with brick walls, silence, excuses. No help. No hope. No medical attention for a person with a long-term medical condition. We have not heard from her for over an hour. We needed a break. We needed a rest. We think we should call her. But we can't bear to hear her insane, accusatory voice - full of vitriol, pure hate and psychosis. We fear her silence means her illness has become terminal. Her doctor told us a few months ago we should be grateful that her illness is not terminal. But he was wrong. It is terminal. It has killed my family. It has killed every good thing in my sister's life. It has killed my parents. Will it finally kill my sister tonight? Does silence equal death?
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