how could you do this to me?!??

May 9, 2013 12:52am How could you do this to me?? & you are heidi blunt? You ugly cunt!!
May 9, 2013 1:12am Im not your sister whether I am a boy or a girl!!! Dont ever write about me again, bitch!!
May 9, 2013 1:18am At least I am not inbred and nasty and gross and shit. Forget it. I dont care anymore.


These are texts from Sis. I didn't read them until yesterday morning. The last one included a picture. It looked like a cartoon from the transistor, a weekly paper that lists the happenings in Duluth. I looked up www.transistormag.com and there was the cartoon she texted me. My sister is an artist and does a lot of drawing. She submitted some to the transistor as they are always looking for cartoonists. Her cartoons were ultimately rejected because they were deemed controversial. I don't really know why. They were beautiful and witty and a little macabre. They featured nude women which could have been the problem as a while ago the transistor printed some cartoons of naked people and was criticized for it.

She called me last night crying like she was absolutely broken and alone. She asked, "how could you do this to me? You're heidi blunt? Your cartoons are in the transistor? You've taken everything from me and now you print this about me and everyone will think I'm going to turn into a man? Why do you want to destroy me? Are you a demon? Everyone will see this and think I'm a man! What kind of person would do this to their sister?" I said, "c'mon! you know I cannot draw! I did not draw this! This has nothing to do with you!" She finally admitted that she knew I couldn't draw and then began wailing, "why? why? why? would anyone do something so horrible to their sister? this is disgusting! why make fun of your sister like this in front of everyone?" I said, "i think she is proud of her sibling! No one will think it's you! You're not transgender! You're not turning into a man! You haven't been taking hormones for 6 years! Your name is not Tyler! WAKE THE FUCK UP FOR GOD'S SAKE! Why didn't you stay in the hospital?"

But she doesn't listen, she cannot listen! She is sick! Why the fuck doesn't anyone help her? She's in this immense amount of pain! Her bizarre ranting and insane threats are one thing, I can ignore them because I know that is the voices, that is her disease talking, but the crying and hopelessness - that is my sister! She keeps calling me because she is reaching out to me! She wants me to help her! When I am in trouble or sad she is the first person I call! When she is in trouble or sad I am the first person she calls! I know that she calls me (even when she is threatening violence) because she wants help. I cannot help her. I am not a doctor. I hang up on her when I become angry. Yelling at her won't help. She already feels absolutely lost and alone. SHE IS absolutely lost and alone. No one can reach her. No one can penetrate her delusions. They are expanding. Now they include the transistor and Heidi Blunt.

And I am just so sad. I am so bereft. It seems like she is trying so hard to save herself. She can't because she needs the right medication and therapy for that. A symptom of schizophrenia is anosognosia or a lack of  insight into your condition (the belief that nothing is wrong). She left the hospital in Fargo (and all the other hospitals she's been to in the past few months) because she does not believe she is sick. She cannot advocate for herself. This is why it is important the family be involved in the treatment of their mentally ill family member.

I have a feeling the main reason she did not stay in Fargo is St. Louis County and the ACT team needed her back in their territory so they could get paid for taking care of her. What is their care plan? To move her into a group home for people with drug and alcohol addiction! My sister has a severe and persistent mental illness that has been documented for 17 years! Does she have addiction problems on the books? NO! She is in a delusion that she cannot break out of. She requires long term hospitalization. A group home does not offer therapy, contact with a doctor, or med adjustments. I know because I worked in one for 4 years. Putting Sis in a group home is the same as putting someone with cancer in an old folks home and expecting them to go into remission.

My greatest most crippling fear has always been that Sis would have a relapse. Now she has. My greatest fear has been realized. How could I know it would be worse than I could possibly imagine? The thought never crossed my mind even once that she would become sick and not receive medical treatment! Never in a million years did I think this would happen. I though we would have a difficult few weeks - not months and months of pure hell, torment, sadness, frustration and hopelessness beyond belief.